How are the days flying by so fast? Even being on lockdown, is not making them drag. Not to me anyway. And I’m not even working from home, as I’m unemployed. But I’ve been keeping myself occupied most days, finding things to do, to not only keep my body physically active, but to mainly keep my mind sane. However, I do sneak in those lazy, chill out days, to simply just veg on the couch. I’ve enjoyed this lockdown and now that we have moved to level 3, it highly annoys me that people are under the impression that the virus has also moved down a level. I don’t have any words. I’ve chosen to continue living my life the way I have diligently been for the past 3 months. I fear for my life, I fear for my son not having a mother, as he already doesn’t have a father, but I mainly fear for my elderly parents. Because of the slight lift of the lockdown, where we are in some way allowed a bit more freedom, I have chosen to go home this weekend. I haven’t seen my parents and my son in 3 months. I miss them terribly, it’s just not the same when you speak to them telephonically you know. But I am so grateful that we have the technology in order to do that, or I would be completely fucked. Anyway, now I’m having doubts again, as I so badly want to go home, but I am so fearful of taking even a speck of some sort of germ into their clean and clear and safe space. It has been announced earlier this week that not everyone will be tested, so they basically have stopped the rolling out of these door to door testing, and mainly for people under 55. If I want to be tested, I would have to pay a ridiculous amount of money, which I do not have, to ensure that I am clear prior to going home. I feel I’m in such a difficult position right now, and after the passing of my cousin and reading so many other heartbreaking articles of people passing away due to this virus, I am shit shit shit scared of this bitch. I have decided that if I do go home, then I’ll have to stay in my bedroom for a few days, just to ensure that I don’t feel any differently and also to minimise me touching things in our home and making a point of wiping down absolutely everything I touch. Not forgetting to wear my mask around the house. I can’t and don’t want to kiss and hug them. As much as I really want to do that, my heart longs to do that, but for now, I feel it safer to just keep my distance as best I can. I have to have faith. I have to believe in my God and trust that He will place a hedge of protection around us all, that He will keep everything away from us that is not from Him. That my parents and son will be covered with the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. I’m so happy that I will be able to hug and hold my dog at least, that gives me great pleasure, I’ve missed her so darn much and so has she missed me. She probably thinks I’m never coming back. My mom and dad says she runs to and looks through the window each time she hears a car, hoping that it’s me. Aaaaah how much I love my little girlie, with all my heart. I need to get her a bone. That’s what I’ll do. She deserves a treat.
At the same time of feeling this way, I know how much I’m going to miss my guy and being with him every single day and also being able to keep an eye on him, especially when we are out at the shops, to remind him about his mask and gloves and distance. We’ve had our downs during these 3 months, to be totally honest, but I feel that our ups have exceeded them tremendously. It’s not easy. It hasn’t been easy. Missing our parents. Missing our kids. Him having to focus on work. But also trying to spend some quality time with me. It hasn’t been too bad but it surely can put and has put, at times, some strain on us as a couple. Being in each others space every day, but we work really well together, and I’m not just saying this. We really do and I’m so grateful for that. This is the longest time I have ever been away from my son and parents. And dog. But it’s been a true test, this lockdown has surely been a time of reflection. Feels as though there is still so much to do, but will there be enough time to do it in? We don’t know how much time has been allocated to each of our lives and that’s the scary part. Life ain’t easy, but it can be way simpler than we make it, I always say that we complicate our own lives and yes, I am guilty of that too. I’ve never been that type of person, so I’m still trying to figure out whether it’s the growing older or the trials experienced that has turned me into this person who can be quite a turd. Someone I met at the start of 2018, who has become a friend of mine over this time, we haven’t seen each other again after attending the make-up academy, but she sent me a message and mentioned in there that I am this fun bubbly outgoing person. I’ve always and often heard this over many years, friends, colleagues, family, practically everyone, even myself, this is who I am and yes I know we mature as we grow older but your fun and bubbly side doesn’t go away because you’ve become a mom or a wife. I want to be that light and free spirit I was, the one who loves to laugh loudly and joke, the one who is vibrant and bubbly and talkative, but most importantly the one with the kind heart, the one who doesn’t allow peoples negativity and bullshit to affect her, the one who doesn’t complain over every little thing, the one who doesn’t seek flaws in everything, the fearful one, the one who has self control, the humble one, I seem to have lost the plot and it could be because of my mental health issues, due to experiencing traumatic events in my life, it could be my ocd, but fuckit mahn, I don’t feel like being all stiff and cranky most of my days. I don’t know how many days I have left on this beautiful earth with my beautiful people and that’s not who and how I want to be any longer. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve been on this trajectory for a while now, and damn, is it intense and probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I blame the stupid people lol, the idiots who annoy me, they are everywhere lol. (I’m joking but also not. Sorry not sorry.) Anyway, I know who I am, I know what I need to do, as long as I keep on pushing, I’m on the right track. I want to exude love and happiness like I did before. Easier said than done, but I believe I can do it. Damn, see how much this quarantine has made me think???
I’ve enjoyed lockdown, I enjoy being home, Winter is coming up and I love it even more. Cosiness, food, love and snuggles. Is there anything better?
With all the sadness and negativity going on around in the world, we have to remind ourselves to be appreciative of the littlest thing. Just last night we received some sad news, about a mutual friend’s wife who passed away in her sleep. We haven’t ever met her and they just got married the end of last year, she just turned 27 in May. So young. And by reading peoples comments, she was a truly lovely, kind, amazing young lady. My heart bleeds for her husband. It bleeds for her family. My heart aches because losing someone, and especially during this time, is the most horrible thing to experience. I pray for him, I pray for her family and I pray for her soul.
I wish more people would open themselves up to trying to understand each other, perhaps then we will see some change. I wish more people would listen to hear and not listen to speak. Perhaps then they will be open enough to be compassionate, empathetic and considerate towards others. We have to practice kindness. And real kindness. No pretentious bullshit, whereby once you turn around or end the phone call, roll your eyes and talk shit about that person. There is so much hate and anger going around and we, the people of this world, can make it so great, and easy, and pleasant, if we just strived to be more like God wants us to be. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I say whoever ends up reading this blog, why don’t we make a point of starting today, now, at this very moment. Simply by trying our damndest to NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE to anyone we might interact with today? How about that? I’m in. Let’s do this 👊🏼
Let’s be better humans 💝