Bed time, Best time

Peace for my soul

The time of day where I feel somewhat whole

Reflecting on the day that has passed

What I can change, what I cannot

Tomorrow will be better

The day light comes with clarity and joy,

Though my bed time remains my best time

Sleep and dreams to take me away

Good for my soul. Peace to make me whole.

14 November 2020

1 year today

I was never ready daddy.

I miss you.

I love you.

I wish you were still here with me.

But, I’m content.

I’m at peace.

My heart is at peace.

Rest easy in the arms of our Jesus.

It’s been a year

This day, 2020, I had the instinctual feeling that my life was going to change. Forever.

It did. The exact night I predicted.

A few days prior, I received word from home that my dad had suddenly turned ill. Both, my son and mom, did not elaborate on my dad’s condition. Due to covid19, I decided to wait a few days, before going home, as I was afraid of carrying any form of germ home. In case my dad’s state was sensitive and made him especially susceptible.

I recall almost every detail of this night in 2020. It took a while for me to enter my parents home, I was anxious about what I was going to face. I remember, hanging onto my boyfriend’s (at the time) neck, as I was lying on my back, on my bed, and he leant over to kiss and hug me goodbye. I hung on so tightly, for dear life, not wanting to let go, because I had this feeling that I was going to need him more than ever. As I searched his eyes, I wanted to cry, as I asked him, why it felt like my life was going to change and that I was not going to see him for a very long time. He said in a very loving and reassuring voice, that this in fact meant that he was going to be spending much more time with me. At this point, he had already seen my dad, I did not.

He left. I felt completely lost without him. I went in to my parents bedroom to see my dad. I gasped. I burst into tears. I have never in my entire life of, at that time, 40 years, seen my daddy look so helpless. Frail. Breakable. He could barely speak. He was happy to see me and just as quickly as I began to cry, I had to stop and pull myself together. I was aware that my reaction would make it clear to him, that he did not look good at all.

The next few days, I got to spend with my dad, were precious to me. I had no idea, no thought in my mind that I was going to lose him. Forever. I was cut off from the world for those few days, as I took care of my dad, best I could. What a privilege and honour it was to be at my dad’s side, as I witnessed him take his very last breath.

I was right. My sixth sense was spot on. On the money! My life had changed. Forever.

The Age of Innocence

Thursday night, 21h15. Sitting in bed and listening to the voices of children. Not normal, as we don’t have much kids in our immediate surroundings, so I’m guessing one of the neighbours on either side of us, or behind, have kids over for the holidays I suppose. I think tomorrow schools out for 2 weeks. Anyway, moving along, I love the sound. It puts a smile on my face, because it’s so rare to hear. It warms my heart, to hear them playing, making sounds, laughing and talking. It certainly a make-me-feel-good sound. I love children. I really do. The sweetness and joy and innocence of kids is beautiful. The way they make you feel when you are down and broken, a simple touch or hug from them, makes you feel so much love. Being in their presence, yes can drive you insane at times, but most times, it makes you wish you were a kid again.

When my dad died last November, I remember the only thing I really wanted was to be around the girls, they made me feel so much love, that my heart longed to feel that all the time, because I think that was what I needed, to heal. Just to have them or be in their presence as often as I could have been, just to hear them, feel their warmth, get their hugs, have them lay next to me, and just to hear their laughter and voices. It was something I yearned for and probably still do, sometimes you realise the weirdest things at the strangest of times. But that was all I felt I know I needed when I lost my dad. Anyway, I never got it.

I just heard the neighbour’s visitors leave and the kids shouting, Byyyyeeee! And now it’s quiet again and all I can hear is the wind.

Fresh Start…let’s go!

So…this has been happening! Setting up of my new business venture! It’s been keeping me busy for weeks and now it’s finally time to share!

My Virtual Assistant business is a one man band. Just ME! Offering office/administrative/personal tasks from home or remote location. I am based in Cape Town South Africa, however, there’s no restriction on where my clients are based! So if any of you entrepreneurs, small business owners, requires the mundane admin tasks to be done, virtually, you know the ones you’re too lazy to do, or the ones you spend too much time on, that holds you back from focussing on what really matters, like your business and your personal life, then do not hesitate to contact me.

My email : myvirtual@mymesaha.com

You can also find me on LinkedIn (mymesaha), Instagram (mymesaha) and Facebook (mesaha)

Website in motion πŸ˜‰ I’ll keep you posted on when it’ll be up and running πŸƒπŸΌβ€β™€οΈ

Wish me luck!

Just Keep Praying

And I thought MSH were my initials…this is a nice surprise at 5 in the morning. Miracles Still Happen ❀

Keep praying. God is listening. Keep believing. God is working.

Well, have you???

Have you ever had a strong feeling of not wanting to live anymore? Like you’re mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted of being awake? That your best time of your day, is whenever you’re asleep? Have you ever asked God to take your life? To not open your eyes the next morning? But not courageous enough to take your own life?

I am, who I am.

I’ve been struggling with what can only be described as, writers block.

However, this morning, it is now 7am, I awoke with two words on my mind. They must have been placed there by a higher power.

Vow. And. Integrity.

When I used to say, hear, read the word, vow…it only made me think of something that was serious enough for weddings and marriage. I have come to realise, that is not so. I have without my knowledge thinking of it as vows, made two precious vows to myself and my relationship, well ex relationship now, which I feel very strongly about. And this is where my integrity steps in. My integrity makes it easy for me to stick to the promises I have made.

I can only glorify God for who He created me to be.

Huge words. Deep definitions.

Twenty in ’21

Just the other day, I had you safely nestled in my tummy. Not so long ago, you were a little boy, starting school. And now? Now you’re a 20 year young adult. And what a wonderful young man you turned out to be. Respectful. Which is at the very top of my list. I am grateful to have been blessed with you. What an honor and a privilege it is to be your mom. I can only thank God every day for you. You have been the one constant in my life and have always been my pillar of strength, through so many trials, that I have faced and that we have faced together. Thank you for always being there for me. You are a strong young man with a very good heart. You are capable of great things! Stay humble and remain true to yourself. Jesus loves you. I love you. Happy Birthday My Son. May the light of the Lord’s favour shine upon you always. May God bless you and keep you and be gracious to you.

Every thing is redeemable through love

Can we just erase 2020 completely? I am convinced that so many of us, would do that without hesitation, if it were possible. It was a shit year. Filled with uncertainty and devastation. However, still a waste of a year. Those 12 months sped by, like an express train, heading straight to 2021, non stop. To me, it feels as though, I jumped from 2019, directly to 2021. It is like I missed a year. 2020 cannot be counted for shit. Except for the people we lost in it. I maintain that nothing could be based solidly on it. Not behaviours. Not actions. It was a year of complete nothingness. Trying to get by, trying to keep sane, trying to still make life seem as normal and exciting, but in doing all that, so much frustration and tension and stress and anxiety also came from it. It was a mental and emotional battle. Mind versus Heart. And the result, impulsive Action.

Think about it. Realistically. Logically. Sensibly. Can any mature decision be rightfully and fairly made, with very thoughtfully and thoroughly taking all aspects, every minute detail, into compassionate consideration?

I have always thought that love was not always enough, but I have certainly come to change my perspective on that belief. Love is always enough and love is all that ever matters.

Let’s start over. Together.

Owning up. Guilty as sin.

Maybe I am just a horrible person, who deserves all the hurt I am currently experiencing.

Unable to fall asleep, thinking, acknowledging that I actually caused people pain. I broke hearts. In relationships. So perhaps I am deserving of this heartache.

In almost all cases, it is too late. The people I hurt have left me. Most of them for good. And there is no way I can make that right. Now I am left to suffer the consequences of my selfish actions.

I don’t blame anyone who does not want to be with me or be in my presence. I really am a mean person. It has taken the past few weeks of losing special people in my life, to come to this realisation.

Lesson learnt. Too late. I know. Too late for the past. Changes for the future. But I’ll never have an opportunity to repair the damage caused.

Repent and Love. Love more. Love always.

WTF is actually happening right now???

And just when I thought my heartache could not get any worse…BOOM BITCHES!!! Here’s some more to fuck you up even further. Take it. Thanks 2021, you soma decided to bring kak with you! Could you not have just chosen to start afresh, anew, better, happier, so we could feel slightly positive about this brand new year.

In under two months, my world has turned upside down. Just when I felt I was feeling stronger mentally and emotionally, my hard work, turns to total shit. Here we go again, even more fucked up in the head than I have ever been before.

Yesterday was two weeks that my best friend was admitted to hospital, due to being ill with covid. On that very same day, my aunt passed away, also in hospital because of this virus and she also suffered a heart attack. Today, my friend passed away. The 14th November I lost my dad, due to a heart attack. In April 2020, I lost my godmother to this virus. Inbetween all this, too many people I know contracted covid, thank God they have recovered and others are still recovering. I don’t know how and what to pray anymore. This virus has hit home since the very start, so I have been extremely anxious and paranoid about this virus from the beginning. I had every reason to be. These covid deaths has no closure. These people, friends and family, are fighting for their lives in hospital, without even really knowing where they are, they are sedated, all alone, with no loved ones around them, at all, just the other sick patients, doctors and nurses, strangers. Then they die. Alone. Us as family and friends, we don’t get to see them, all we can do is pray and hope for the best. Then we receive the news. Then comes the planning of a funeral, done in haste, boom, buried or cremated and that’s it. The last time you saw your mom, the last time you saw your aunt, the last time you saw your godmother, was days or weeks ago, you didn’t look at them as though that was the last you would see them. And now you’ve buried them or in most cases, could not have even attended the funeral. So you are left here, with no closure at all. One death after the other. You have not even come to terms with the first. You’re still in total disbelief about the first because months later, it still seems surreal. Now how. I ask. How. I am sick. I am numb. I’m not sure how my heart is physically coping with the continuous battering.

A 4 year old boy, is going to ask his dad and grandmother, where his mommy is and when she will be home, so she can play with him. Then a husband and mother must try to find an answer for this little baby boy, in their own mourning and heartache, to make him understand. I don’t know. This is crushing my soul.

I will never see my friend again, we will never speak and laugh and have fun together ever again. I will never have sleepovers and sleep next to her ever again. We will never lay in bed and have in depth conversations ever again. Never. Ever. Again. It’s over. She is gone. Forever. My heart is shattered.

I honestly don’t even think I have gotten to grieving my daddy yet. Everything has just happened so fast.

It seems as though everyone I love and hold dear, leaves me. For good.

Until we meet again…is that how that goes?

Over sharing…but isn’t that what this blog is for? Realness.

2020 has made me realise what and who I took for granted. It made me realise what I did wrong. I have certainly learnt from my mistakes and pray I have an opportunity to correct the wrong I have done. I am not a bad person. Infact, I am a really good person. I have a huge heart and it’s filled with love. I enjoy happiness and laughter. And I have blocked myself from enjoying all those things in the past year or more. The year started off rough with having lost a very dear person I hold very close to my heart , to this virus. I have been stuck in a rut, being stuck indoors, splitting my time between my parents and son and my relationship with my partner and his kids and trying to figure out what’s next in my life, regarding a career, or studies, but never doubting, my relationship and who I was in it with. It hasn’t been an easy time. Frustrations certainly built higher, with everyone being locked up and restricted. I honestly wouldn’t say the bad times exceeded the good. Even when we found ourselves doing nothing, it was enough for me, for both of us it seemed. I enjoy being in his space, whether we’re watching the crappiest movie one of us chose, or whether we’re just sitting outside enjoying the sun and fresh air. I enjoy every moment with him, my time with him has never been boring. As long as I can cuddle and feel warm with love and be affectionate, I’m very happy. My love language afterall is Quality time and Physical touch. I have neglected to be mindful of his love language though, which are Words of Affirmation. I’m definitely not proud of not taking it serious enough, because I now see the negative impact it has had on our relationship, however I can truthfully say that I have learnt hugely from my mistakes. I understand it all now and I am hopeful that it is not too late. I have also been unemployed for a while and so financially I’ve been strained and my business idea had to be placed on a back burner because of it. Depression and anxiety gets you down, so low, so deep, so bad, that you become someone you’re not. And it is a daily battle, that takes so much out of you, it is exhausting! This has been a strenuous, draining year, financially, emotionally, mentally. It is definitely not a year I want to remember, but at the same time, how can one forget? A year whereby serious decisions should NOT have been based upon. Especially not the not-so-sure impulsive decisions that have been made. Everyone’s emotions were and still is all over the place. Dealing with job loss, with businesses having to close down, broken relationships, not being able to spend time with family and friends, being disconnected from everything and everyone physically, grieving lost loved ones. It has been terrible. It has created so much animosity, so many unnecessary fights and arguments and feelings of hate and resentment has been spread all round.There is so much negativity out there and amongst us, and instead of realising this sooner, we always see it too late, when the damage has been done. This is when we really needed and still need the love of the ones who are currently in our circles, so we can also send out happy, vibes filled with love and forgiveness. It was never intentional. I don’t believe that anyone was intentional when it came to the bad part of things. We are human. We learn from our mistakes. We apologise. We forgive. We love. I have certainly been the worst person to be around through this time, I’ll be honest. I have been dealing with so much and what do we end up doing? We treat the people we love the most, the harshest. It’s not fair. Not to them. Not at all. The past year, makes me want to just fix everything that I was part of destroying. Because I know its repairable. My heart is only filled with love and forgiveness. The person who was moody and miserable, annoyed or broken or sad, because of the past, is NOT who I am. That is not who God created me to be and NOT who I want to be any longer. I know who I am. I know what I have to offer. I know what my capabilities are. WE ARE NOT the meanies, who come out, when our emotions and situations get the better of us, when we don’t get our way. I have dealt with so much as immaturely as I possibly could have. I am remorseful for all of it. It was never my intention to hurt anyone through my hardship. I just dealt with it in the best way I knew how. Which was the wrong way. I’ve never had any guidance or support or encouragement on how the right way to deal with it was. The loss of my dad has taught me so much too, that life is so short and that we can’t base our future on our past hurt. That we can’t base our past hurts on our future happiness. That is what I did, dragged all my sadness into newness, and turned the newness into shit. The red flags in our relationships are NOT who WE are. Who we truly are as people. I am believing more and more in love. I believe that if there is love, anything can be overcome. Love expels all fear and that is the truth. The enemy is ready to pounce on and destroy everything that is valuable. But God’s love will reign and prevail!

Lester, you are my everything ❀ You are my home. I have always been proud to walk by your side. You are My Hero. You are my Boaz. I make this vow to you today, that I will LOVE you with my entire being always. That I will remain INLOVE with you, as if it was the first time we met (which is 2 years ago today). Never ever be doubtful about the way I feel about you. Because I have never felt the realness of true God-given love before, like I feel it with you. You know me, you know my heart, I know you and I know your heart, I know that we are very far from being the irrational hard core stubborn meanies, we pretend to be. I miss us. I miss our love. I miss our goodness and I miss our girls. I even miss Jack.

I believe so hard in us. I pray that you love me enough and that you feel I am worth it. I will keep pushing for OUR love, because it is certainly worth it ❀

I only realised what real love is since I discovered it with My Hero ❀ I will love you always and be inlove with you forever β€

Broken-hearted Girl πŸ’”

Saying, my heart is broken, does not do justice to what it actually feels like in real life. My heart is currently dealing with so much pain, I am not sure how it is still functioning. My heart literally feels sore.

Grief. I have been down this road, it seems way too many times. I never fully recover, until another loss knocks me off my feet. This year, 2020, is another one of those years, a year like we have experienced as a family, so many times over. But this year is different, this year, feels so much more painful, so much more heart shattering, so much more life changing, so much more like am I going to get through this. It is almost 4am Tuesday, I have been awake for just over one hour, my tears are real, straight from the brokenness of my heart and depths of my shattered soul. I am in total disbelief about everything that has recently and is currently occurring in my life. As dead as my heart feels within my chest, yet I still feel the immense enormity of its pain.

2021 is on the doorstep. There is nothing I am looking forward to. My whole life has changed in the matter of a blink. How are you keen to move forward after you lost people who you dearly love and those people are not in your future? How do you move forward?

If I could sleep all day and night, I certainly would. My dreams are way better than the reality I am living. When I wake in the morning, I realise it is no dream, no nightmare, this is my life! Happening in real time. And then my day starts. Taking each passing minute as it comes. Fuck, it is so hard.

So, no. No I am not ok. I am shit. Super shit. Just as I was improving myself. Just as I was working and focussing on being better. Being a better person to the people I love with my whole being, mind, heart and soul. They have been ripped away from me, unexpectedly, suddenly and I have no idea how I am going to survive this. Because, I am not coping.

What a year. Makes me nauseous. Mentally and emotionally and spiritually challenging. For most. If not all. This was definitely not the year to base any huge decisions on. Unless it was decisions of love. Because that is all that matters and all that was needed, in especially this devastatingly dreadful year. All that would get us through it, with our sanity in tact.

Now… let me go vomit.

An Unforgettable Christmas 2020

Am I there, yet?

It’s been a month.

Death anniversaries are not something I publicise or celebrate. However, I do keep score, in my head, if the person was very dear to me.

It feels like yesterday. Time flies, and no, I’m not having fun. Can something be tedious and fast at the same time? That’s how 2020 felt. Dull, slow, monotonous, yet, quick-fast. I mean, it’s mid-December, surely it was just March and the start of lockdown??? And now we’re onto our second wave of this virus! Crazy times! What a way to end off this godforsaken year! 20plenty. Was filled alright… with truckloads of bullshit! A year of nothingness and nonstop heartache! For the world!

So…one month in…not sure whether I’ve really been feeling. I’ve cried…yes, but not as much as I expected to, and I am a crier. Which makes me believe that, my mind has not fully absorbed it all. Not yet. My subconscious, is straying my emotions.

Guess I’m not there yet, then.

There are the times when I think of my daddy, when I look at his photos, I look deep into his eyes, as if they are staring right back at me. Trying to read what my dad is telling me, sounds dumb, I know, I mean it’s a photograph for god sake! But, theres just something about his eyes, unless, I’m associating his eyes, and staring into them, with the day he passed, when I stared so deeply and searching for life in his blank eyes that were looking right through me. Then, the rest of the times, I feel content and accepting. I see my dad at peace and happy and this feeling comes from deep within my soul.

So…Am I There Yet? Or am I only just straddling???

There is no time frame on grieving. Everyone has their own timeline. I’m not wanting to rush it, no. I’ve been here before, too many times, I know not to be too hasty. I’m just trying to get some clarity, for myself, as to where I am at one month down the line.

Loss is a motherfucker. Grieving is an absolute bitch. Be kind. Care. Show compassion. Especially, when you can’t relate, YET…some day you’ll experience it. It’s inevitable. And guess what? I’ll be right here, for you, knowing and feeling and showing.

No title 🚫

Not too long ago, I posted a blog about my dad celebrating his 84th birthday and how blessed I am to still have him around.

That time has come to an abrupt end. My heart continues to shatter as I try to absorb it all. I cannot wrap my head around the reality of my dad not, physically, being here anymore.

As I break down, the thought of not having him here with me ever again, not seeing his face, hearing his voice, having conversations with him, and laughs, and even listening to his moaning, is crushing. I’ll never have him walk me down the aisle, or dance with him again. Ever. Never.

My life has changed in the blink of an eye. Unexpectedly. I wasn’t ready. I was never ready daddy.

Lost train of thought

My previous blog, giving some insight to my story, might have seemed slightly jumbled… I apologize, as I’m no professional writer, I simply allow myself to feel free enough to type as things come to mind. However, I encountered an annoying delay on typing and posting my blog, wordpress was slow and no it was not my internet connection, so I was becoming highly agitated with typing what I wanted and needed to say, but the application was not as fast as I was, I received an incoming call, that believe it or not, lasted for friggin’ 5 hours πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ and when I thought I had saved it, once I went back to complete and post it, I realised that the second half of it was not there. I was not going to restart and also did not want to delete it and not post it at all, as I felt it was something I needed to share at the time. I eventually finished it, rush-rush, due to losing my train of thought and not being able to remember exactly what it is I put into words. Nevertheless, that was my short version of the shattering day I experienced exactly 6 years ago. And a quick, but oh so necessary, touch on me loving again. Like Jarrod’s trauma doctor said the other day, “This is hope and proof that even with severe, immense grief….there is love again.” There is light in the darkness. Perhaps this is needed for someone out there today, who has experienced loss in whichever form…remember nothing in life is permanent, not even the way you are currently feeling. Where there is life, there is hope. We take so many things for granted, even me, I’ve learnt so much from my experience, but I still messed up and didn’t see the reality as being real. I only saw my reality, the one riddled with fear. We are all just human I guess. But the feeling of relief and lighter shoulders, once you reach the point of overcoming that fear, is priceless.

Don’t stop being persistent. Everyone deserves love. To be loved and to love. This is what we were designed for. Take your time, don’t rush your timeline, but don’t lose sight of the light that’s ahead. And I’ll end off in using, my favourite saying, “Just go with it.”

Love endures all things

Another year has passed. As much as I know he wasn’t one to put any emphasis on anyone’s death anniversary, I am going to commemorate him in this way, this year.

6 years ago, I was anxiously sitting, waiting, in the waiting room of the ICU at Gatesville Medical Centre, entirely oblivious to what my fate would be at the end of this devastating day. After practically living in that waiting room, every day since Jarrod’s car accident, I did not expect that that Thursday would be his very last day in this world.

What an awful day it was. The chamomile tea, my mommy religiously made me each morning, brought no calmness. Sitting at his bedside, reading the bible out loud to him, brought no reassurance. My prayers felt useless. My heart was completely shattered, as I walked up to his bed, staring at him, whilst his compassionate night nurse kept me up to speed on Jarrod’s condition. She insisted that I be at his bedside as often as I wanted to be that day, not restricting me. She knew, but she could not say anything more. The memory of this woman’s face, the night nurse on duty that night, will remain etched on my memory forever, the pain and sadness in her eyes, the tears that found their way down her cheeks, as she told me that Jarrod was not well. She said, “He is very sick. Pray for him.”

He had a very bad day. Since I walked in that morning, up until he took his last breath. He fought for his life on that Thursday. But God had a better plan for him. I was relieved, when I could finally feel again, that I was blessed with the opportunity to say goodnight to Jarrod. I prayed for him. Held his hand. Kissed his cheek. And watched a tear roll down his right cheek. I believe that he waited for me to leave the hospital that night. It was the hardest thing to do, to leave, to go home, but my sister wouldn’t allow me to stay at hospital on my own. I wish that I did…We just arrived home, after a hot chocolate and a prayer, we received the call…

My sister, who was the only one who accompanied me to hospital every day, without hesitation, sat in that waiting room, day after day, with not one complaint. Only just being there for me. Bless her sweet soul, as I will always remember how she journeyed with me through that dreadful time. We had been there for most part of the day, just her and I. Me having the freedom of checking in on him whenever I needed to, doctors and nurses knowing that that’s where they would find me if they needed to give me any sort of news on his progression. Until, later in the day, closer to evening, when some of Jarrod’s family and friends arrived. It was the strangest and most hurtful day I experienced. There seemed to be this great divide, as we sat, waiting. His family and friends on one side of the waiting room, and me and mine on the other. Out of everyone who was there, only two of Jarrod’s very good friends came over to sit and talk to me. I was happy I got to take the one friend in to see him, as it was the first time he plucked up enough strength to come to hospital.

Shortly, thereafter, I requested my niece and then fiancΓ©, now husband, to go in to pray for him before visiting hours came to an end. They were doing this, by choice, almost every other night they came to see him in hospital. I was abruptly and rudely, stopped, infront of all his friends and family by his cousin, because his mother could not even look me in my face, who said that no one is allowed to see him any longer. I was shocked, as I was unaware of it. I spoke to one of his doctors and was advised that Jarrod’s family had instructed them to do so. Here I was, sitting in a room filled with people staring and talking about me and my family. People I once shared my time with, people who I grew fond of, had instantaneously become a room full of strangers.

I became anxious knowing that we would leave hospital for home soon and I needed to see him before I left. I stretched our time as far as possible, so I could wait for all of his people to leave. Eventually they all did. I got to see him that night, before I left, and guess what? The doctors and nurses allowed me in, knowing who I was to him and saying that I was the only one who was at his side every single day for the duration of his stay, that even they found the family’s request quite disturbing, however, there was no choice but to abide.

That was 6 years ago. I cannot believe how much time has gone by already. Yet, everything is as fresh as it happened yesterday. I am honored to have shared a part of his life with him, that I was the last person he loved with all his heart. Makes me feel so darn special. What a wonderful guy who was borrowed to this world. Temporarily on loan to all who knew him. And now is exactly where he deserves to be,…HOME.

It took a while for me to get here, to the mental and emotional state that I am in regarding this ordeal. I am content and found my balance with my grieving the past and living in my present life. I owe it all to God. I am now loving on someone new, which I didn’t think I would ever be capable of again. But I am. To an amazing man, who has also just been an encouragement with all his love that he showers upon me. Finally, I am here, I know it took time but I pray that we still have a proper shot at how amazing our love can be. Fear, can get the better of you, when you’re weak and vulnerable and if you allow it to. This has been my battle for practically all this time and I have finally reached a place of contentment, allowing my heart to open again and accept all the love that God has in store for me.

Thank you for all your love JB ❀ May your sweet soul rest in eternal peace. You will always be in my heart ❀

Thank you for all your love Lord β€πŸ™πŸ½

Thank you for all your love Lester ❀❀❀ You have my heart πŸ₯° I love you so much ❀❀❀

Nothing much

Covid19 has really taken the life out of me, or has it? My life has been somewhat similar to being stuck, or rather choosing to, at home, on lockdown. I enjoy my me time, I enjoy, the simplicity of peace, just being home and enjoying the tranquility thereof. So…I don’t have any new and exciting occurrences that I have incurred since the last time I blogged. Nothing negative, but I do have a bit of a positive, which is me being somewhat at ease, more content, more accepting and patient and understanding. Happier. Relieved. I don’t want to jinx it because it’s been feeling so good and I don’t want it to go away. God has got me by my hand and leading me on the path He has set out for me, which makes me trust Him completely in this regard, as I know that He will never mislead me, leave me, nor forsake me, He has no intention of causing me any harm. Who better than to have as my guide, as my leader, my teacher and my protector? I feel better than I have felt in a long time and I have only Him to thank for that.

That’s my bit of goodness I felt I could share with you ❀ You never know who might need it 😊

When is enough , enough?

Huh? At the very start or when you’ve reached breaking point? Now, I know many would say, the very first time, but, I’m sure many too would say that that’s way easier said than done. I’m not going to specify what it is I am referring to, however, this question stands firm in almost every negative aspect that you or I have ever encountered during our lives, thus far. When do you realise that you’ve had enough? When do you draw the line? It has to be drawn somewhere, right? Or you’ll just be fucking yourself over, repeatedly.

This is the question I have been asking myself. I don’t know the answer. This same question, I have now posed to God. He knows. I’ll just patiently wait for His answer.

Funny how we know that too much sugar is unhealthy, it makes you feel sick and gets you fat. But what do we do? We continue stuffing our faces with sweet delicacies. Even if we struggle to lose the weight we have gained or we actually end up feeling so nauseous that we gag. Because at that exact time, living in the moment feels so darn good, that that moment is all we can think of. We hardly ever, or sometimes never, think about the ‘after’, the consequences, about tomorrow. So, when do we know, when do we choose to know, that we’ve had enough?

My heart seems to be sore today. Infact, as the day progressed, it became sore. My heart and my mind is at war. And even though my heart feels weak today, it still seems strong enough to push for what it wants. I don’t want my heart to win this time.

Back from my break

Hello! Hello everybody! I’m sitting in bed and crocheting πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ I swear I very recently turned 40, and NOT 70! πŸ˜‚ My mom, however, turned 84 yesterday (3.8.20) πŸ€©πŸŽ‰ Wow! Wow! Wow! How blessed am I??? I am so so so grateful to have my parents alive at their age, and at my age. Happy Birthday Mommy ❀ I love you so so so much πŸ₯° Thank you for all you do and have ever done. Words cannot express what I feel for you. Thank you for always having my back, for supporting me and for loving me unconditionally, thank you for still taking such sweet care of me. I adore you ❀❀❀

What a year this has been, thus far. Exhausting, frustrating, stressful, anything but really what anyone of us expected. However, moments such as these, remain special and even more so this year. Celebrating both my dad and mom’s 84th this year. Also getting to celebrate my 40th with the people who are dearest to my heart. It was everything 😍 Now my year can slide on and bring on Summer, cos I’m so ready for some sunshine.

Turning 40, was an immediate mindset change. It was unexpected, I heard women speak about it, and now I got to experience it. What an experience! Positive and so good. I’m keen to hear from my friends who are yet to turn 40 within the next year, whether they experience something similar. I really can’t wait! Until then my lovelies, you can’t speak to me πŸ˜‚πŸ€­πŸ€£

I’m in a good space. My intention is to keep it going. I’ll push with all my might.

Persistence is key.

Sleepless & Sinusy

Is anyone else’s sleeping pattern screwed with everything that’s going on in the world? Has the lockdown and virus and affected your sleep? I’m guessing it has, perhaps not all, but most. Due to people working from home, also people whose working hours have been cut down and very definitely people who are concerned, anxious and paranoid about this devastating virus.

I’ve just very recently settled into a sleeping pattern that has actually been working for me and now it’s all fucked up, my sleep and my allergies. All fucked up. I’ve struggled with sleep for a number of years, my anxiety has turned me into an insomniac. So when I get a good night’s sleep, it can be quite exhilarating. Lol, as I’m growing older, I’m realising that different things excite me. Like, getting a solid night’s rest, good weather for laundry, the purchasing of home appliances πŸ˜‚ I’ve been trying not to depend on the sleeping pills I sometimes take, however, it does seem as though I need to take it more when I’m home with my parents, compared to when I’m not here. I’ve been falling asleep at 5am for the past few days, bleh, I know πŸ˜– and because I didn’t sleep through the day yesterday, I assumed that I would stick it out until night time, so I could sleep throughout the night, because I was so exhausted (I even took a ΒΌ sleeping pill just to secure my sleep lol). I might have fallen asleep around 9pm, perhaps before, woke around 1h40 and I’m currently very much awake (it’s 4h45am). It can be frustrating at first, willing yourself to sleep, but not winning in any way, until you just allow yourself to go with it and accept it for what it is. There’s no use in fighting it, I know eventually sleep will come. Even when it’s only the next day πŸ˜‚ I’v come to utilise my time constructively, in my opinion, as I do my best thinking during this time, filtering of thoughts, making mental notes (sometimes written ones), searching and applying for jobs, praying, reading my bible, devotionals or fiction. I don’t ever watch anything, like movies or series, what I do watch are exercise and makeup tutorials, to be honest, lol.

My mind is bombarded with thoughts, constantly, good and bad, and doing what I’ve mentioned above, assists me in focusing on something other than what’s initially on my mind. The longer you suffer from these things, you eventually figure out ways, that works for you, not necessarily for the next person. Some can drink a glass of warm milk and fall right back into la la land…🀨…some people, like my bf, who can sleep whenever, wherever, and for however long, super annoying, actually becomes upset, telling me stay off your phone, just lay still and close your eyes πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ yes…yes…that will work πŸ˜’ please mahn, ssshhh when you are clueless and you can’t relate, then it’s best to shut the fuck up 🀫🀐

What have you discovered to be working for you whilst experiencing not being able to sleep at night?

I’m waiting, patiently, for the day, or rather nights to come, where my mind will be silent, because it would be able to differentiate between night and day, and I can sleep peacefully for hours on end, without any disruptions, like dreams, or sounds around the house, or loud talking, or radios playing at top volume, or dogs barking, or banging and knocking somewhere, or kids shouting and running around, sigh….very deep sigh….I have faith that that day will come and I will experience it at least once again in my lifetime before I die, or perhaps that’s only going to occur when I’m dead πŸ€” because it seems far fetched right about now πŸ˜†

I’m yawning…incase I blog about anymore irrelevant crap, let me say, goodnight 🌠

Blessed Beyond Measure

I am extremely grateful and blessed to, at this age in my life, still have both my parents, at their ages in their lives, alive and kicking, here with me on this earth. Both at their full senses and both able to take care of themselves and do things for themselves. Thank You Lord All-Powerful πŸ™πŸ½

My dad turned 84 today. I’ll be honest, it hasn’t been and still isn’t, an easy road, but despite whatever might be and was bad, I will love him dearly and unconditionally. Forever. He is my dad and that will never change. I would never want it to, even if it could be. Lockdown birthday, wish we could do more, but we had a blessed day. He was lovely today, and I know all his calls, messages and two quick pop-ins by his daughter and son (not to worry, they stayed outside and didn’t step into our home), made his day extra special, made him feel important and loved. It was good for me to see him in such a good and calm space today. And this is all I have been asking for, the relevant ones to play their roles in my parents lives. Because, reality is, that they are currently living their golden years. They don’t ask for much, infact, they don’t ask or expect anything from or of anyone, whether you’re family or a friend. But something as small as these calls today, has done something good for his soul. People, including his own kids, who hasn’t been calling or visiting him for his birthday over the past few years, have made an effort today. Perhaps this lockdown and virus, has made them come to realise what is really important. I only hope that it will continue, for my parents sake. Now my dad can sleep lekker tonight and that makes my heart smile πŸ₯°

Happy Birthday Pops ❀ I pray for more days with me, and for every day peace and contentment within your heart and soul and mind πŸ˜‡ I love you Lioney ❀

Father’s Day

It’s 1 in the morning. I’m waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in. Happy Father’s Day to all who is celebrating today. I personally think, it’s one of those day celebrations which has been commercialised. Exactly like, Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day. I’m not big on making a fuss, as I sincerely believe that love and your parents should be celebrated and appreciated every day. However, this year, I admit, I feel somewhat guilty. Guilty, because I wasn’t home to enjoy Mother’s Day with my dear mom, due to this virus/lockdown/quarantine. Secondly, I’m home now to enjoy it with my dad, but I wasn’t able to get to the shops to get him a gift. It is kinda fair now right? I mean neither one will receive a gift from me. That should balance it out πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ™ˆ

2020. Celebrations with a difference. Perks – not having to cater, not having to entertain anyone other than who lives in your home, not having to clean up after they all leave, not having to wait up until the last leaves, not having to squander and fork out money! Winner!πŸ†πŸ˜ I could get used to this.

At the same time, I wish we, as siblings and grandkids, were able to surround my parents this time around πŸ™ but I guess, we have to accept and go with what currently is. As long as they know they are loved ❀

Happy Father’s Daddy!!! πŸ’™ (yes I know, my dad doesn’t follow my blog, let alone knows how to make use of the internet) dit maakie saakie πŸ˜‰ I love you with all of me, my whole heart and complete soul ❀ I would choose you every time πŸ’

Btw…that sleeping pill has not taken effect yet…πŸ€”

Home

It feels strange to be home.

The last time I was here, was the last time my cousin was here.

I knew coming back here would take me right back there.

I’m so teary eyed, but I’m holding it back, until everyone has gone off to bed, I guess. When the nights become quiet, the mind is free to think and the heart is open to feel.

This home, my home, reminds me of so many loved ones who have been part of memories created here. Lost loved ones. Frequent visits, listening to laughs, hearing voices, seeing sweet smiling faces.

I would rather have them, but I can hang on to the memories and they will forever be in my heart.

My home feels emptier. My heart feels shattered.

Rest well my lovelies, sleep peacefully.

Quaranthinking

How are the days flying by so fast? Even being on lockdown, is not making them drag. Not to me anyway. And I’m not even working from home, as I’m unemployed. But I’ve been keeping myself occupied most days, finding things to do, to not only keep my body physically active, but to mainly keep my mind sane. However, I do sneak in those lazy, chill out days, to simply just veg on the couch. I’ve enjoyed this lockdown and now that we have moved to level 3, it highly annoys me that people are under the impression that the virus has also moved down a level. I don’t have any words. I’ve chosen to continue living my life the way I have diligently been for the past 3 months. I fear for my life, I fear for my son not having a mother, as he already doesn’t have a father, but I mainly fear for my elderly parents. Because of the slight lift of the lockdown, where we are in some way allowed a bit more freedom, I have chosen to go home this weekend. I haven’t seen my parents and my son in 3 months. I miss them terribly, it’s just not the same when you speak to them telephonically you know. But I am so grateful that we have the technology in order to do that, or I would be completely fucked. Anyway, now I’m having doubts again, as I so badly want to go home, but I am so fearful of taking even a speck of some sort of germ into their clean and clear and safe space. It has been announced earlier this week that not everyone will be tested, so they basically have stopped the rolling out of these door to door testing, and mainly for people under 55. If I want to be tested, I would have to pay a ridiculous amount of money, which I do not have, to ensure that I am clear prior to going home. I feel I’m in such a difficult position right now, and after the passing of my cousin and reading so many other heartbreaking articles of people passing away due to this virus, I am shit shit shit scared of this bitch. I have decided that if I do go home, then I’ll have to stay in my bedroom for a few days, just to ensure that I don’t feel any differently and also to minimise me touching things in our home and making a point of wiping down absolutely everything I touch. Not forgetting to wear my mask around the house. I can’t and don’t want to kiss and hug them. As much as I really want to do that, my heart longs to do that, but for now, I feel it safer to just keep my distance as best I can. I have to have faith. I have to believe in my God and trust that He will place a hedge of protection around us all, that He will keep everything away from us that is not from Him. That my parents and son will be covered with the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. I’m so happy that I will be able to hug and hold my dog at least, that gives me great pleasure, I’ve missed her so darn much and so has she missed me. She probably thinks I’m never coming back. My mom and dad says she runs to and looks through the window each time she hears a car, hoping that it’s me. Aaaaah how much I love my little girlie, with all my heart. I need to get her a bone. That’s what I’ll do. She deserves a treat.

At the same time of feeling this way, I know how much I’m going to miss my guy and being with him every single day and also being able to keep an eye on him, especially when we are out at the shops, to remind him about his mask and gloves and distance. We’ve had our downs during these 3 months, to be totally honest, but I feel that our ups have exceeded them tremendously. It’s not easy. It hasn’t been easy. Missing our parents. Missing our kids. Him having to focus on work. But also trying to spend some quality time with me. It hasn’t been too bad but it surely can put and has put, at times, some strain on us as a couple. Being in each others space every day, but we work really well together, and I’m not just saying this. We really do and I’m so grateful for that. This is the longest time I have ever been away from my son and parents. And dog. But it’s been a true test, this lockdown has surely been a time of reflection. Feels as though there is still so much to do, but will there be enough time to do it in? We don’t know how much time has been allocated to each of our lives and that’s the scary part. Life ain’t easy, but it can be way simpler than we make it, I always say that we complicate our own lives and yes, I am guilty of that too. I’ve never been that type of person, so I’m still trying to figure out whether it’s the growing older or the trials experienced that has turned me into this person who can be quite a turd. Someone I met at the start of 2018, who has become a friend of mine over this time, we haven’t seen each other again after attending the make-up academy, but she sent me a message and mentioned in there that I am this fun bubbly outgoing person. I’ve always and often heard this over many years, friends, colleagues, family, practically everyone, even myself, this is who I am and yes I know we mature as we grow older but your fun and bubbly side doesn’t go away because you’ve become a mom or a wife. I want to be that light and free spirit I was, the one who loves to laugh loudly and joke, the one who is vibrant and bubbly and talkative, but most importantly the one with the kind heart, the one who doesn’t allow peoples negativity and bullshit to affect her, the one who doesn’t complain over every little thing, the one who doesn’t seek flaws in everything, the fearful one, the one who has self control, the humble one, I seem to have lost the plot and it could be because of my mental health issues, due to experiencing traumatic events in my life, it could be my ocd, but fuckit mahn, I don’t feel like being all stiff and cranky most of my days. I don’t know how many days I have left on this beautiful earth with my beautiful people and that’s not who and how I want to be any longer. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve been on this trajectory for a while now, and damn, is it intense and probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I blame the stupid people lol, the idiots who annoy me, they are everywhere lol. (I’m joking but also not. Sorry not sorry.) Anyway, I know who I am, I know what I need to do, as long as I keep on pushing, I’m on the right track. I want to exude love and happiness like I did before. Easier said than done, but I believe I can do it. Damn, see how much this quarantine has made me think???

I’ve enjoyed lockdown, I enjoy being home, Winter is coming up and I love it even more. Cosiness, food, love and snuggles. Is there anything better?

With all the sadness and negativity going on around in the world, we have to remind ourselves to be appreciative of the littlest thing. Just last night we received some sad news, about a mutual friend’s wife who passed away in her sleep. We haven’t ever met her and they just got married the end of last year, she just turned 27 in May. So young. And by reading peoples comments, she was a truly lovely, kind, amazing young lady. My heart bleeds for her husband. It bleeds for her family. My heart aches because losing someone, and especially during this time, is the most horrible thing to experience. I pray for him, I pray for her family and I pray for her soul.

I wish more people would open themselves up to trying to understand each other, perhaps then we will see some change. I wish more people would listen to hear and not listen to speak. Perhaps then they will be open enough to be compassionate, empathetic and considerate towards others. We have to practice kindness. And real kindness. No pretentious bullshit, whereby once you turn around or end the phone call, roll your eyes and talk shit about that person. There is so much hate and anger going around and we, the people of this world, can make it so great, and easy, and pleasant, if we just strived to be more like God wants us to be. I’m not perfect, far from it, but I say whoever ends up reading this blog, why don’t we make a point of starting today, now, at this very moment. Simply by trying our damndest to NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE to anyone we might interact with today? How about that? I’m in. Let’s do this πŸ‘ŠπŸΌ

Let’s be better humans πŸ’

Tuesday Thoughts

I miss my son. I miss my parents. I miss my dog. I miss home. Home is truly where the heart lies. Home is where you have the freedom to be you. To be ugly. To be lazy. To sleep all day. Home is where nothing is expected of you. Home is where you feel loved and where you’re most comfortable. Home is where you are not judged for doing things differently or for feeling differently. Home is where you’re not required to think other than what and how you’re really thinking. Home is not where you are made to feel as though you’re the convenience. Home is something you are always part of, all the time. Home is where your input and importance are relevant. Home is where you are heard.

I ain’t home.

Becoming ever so slightly impatient with this virus and lockdown. Get done already! I want to go home ❀

Happy Mother’s Day

Well…it’s not really a “happy” one. I’m unable to be with my own Mom on this day and to make matters even worse, I don’t even have my son with me. For me, it’s simply just Mother’s Day. To everyone else celebrating with their moms and moms who are lucky to have their kids around them, Have a Happy Day!

Received a Happy Mother’s Day WhatsApp message from my son at this ridiculously early hour. Telling me how great I am and how thankful he is for everything that I have ever done for him and how much he will always love me. Such a special message always from him. Melts my heart. But deep down I can’t help feeling how useless I really was and am to him, how I didn’t do enough for him. How I fucked up as his mom. How our lives should have been better. I sit back and think, my boy is 19 years old, I’ll be 40 in July, and I have nothing for him. Absolutely nothing. Nothing to show him that I have ever worked for or accomplished in my life. Nothing that he can really show that I have given him. Nothing. I’m not even with him. I don’t even have him with me. I chose to be with someone other than him through this lockdown and that says a whole damn lot about me. I haven’t seen him in over a month. I miss him so much. Miss his care and his love. I even miss him being miserable. I pray God gives me some more time with him, for an extension on an opportunity to make his life a bit better at least. I can’t help thinking that if he loses me, then he has no one else. And that breaks my heart. So please Lord, grant me a few more years with my boy πŸ™πŸ½

Crushing realisations

What a week this has been. Filled with so much emotion. This week has been consumed with hatred, anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, tears. It’s simply been traumatic. It hasn’t been a week I can ever be proud of. It was a complete and total mess.

Then, it started improving. Slightly. However, only on the surface, deep down inside I remain filled with a feeling of trauma.

Another shitty day for me today, not eating, lying in bed, trying to focus on some reading, but I’m not really winning. I’ve been trying to explain myself, to myself, for a while now, and also trying to make certain bodies understand me, when I try explaining how I feel about certain things and feel total disregard in. Certain bodies surely didn’t choose to acknowledge or bother by what I’ve been saying, and made, and still always makes it out to seem, as though it’s me who is always at fault. I didn’t know it was a thing until now, and yes I know Google is not really your friend, but this seems legit, psychological and emotional invalidation. This is exactly what I have been experiencing for the past few months. I couldn’t put my finger on it as I’m always made out to be the one to blame or the one who is petty and not making sense…or so I’m told. Even the other day when things became slightly better on the surface, it was because I basically blamed myself and apologised for everything. Even when deep down, I didn’t feel 100% at fault. This has now hit me hard, lying here, and the moment I read up on it and realised what’s happening, I shook from crying. There’s no coming back from this. Especially when certain bodies will never admit to any wrongs. I feel totally ignored, not to mention worthless. Wow. I have never been in a situation like this and I can tell you it’s soul crushing. No amount of apologies, can ever repair the damage that has already been done. This has not caused damage over night, but over a period of time. My words, and pleas, my tears, and crazy behaviour, has made no difference. It’s only relevant at that particular point, but obviously not relevant enough to take any of it or me seriously.

And then here we are. Standing on the sideline. Having to make serious choices because you already have mental health issues and this right here, adds to it and makes it much worse. But do they really care? Are you worthy enough to them for them to actually care enough? I highly doubt it. It hasn’t happened to and for me in this time.

Bitter pill to swallow. But not a life to continue living. The clearing out of certain bodies in your closet who doesn’t serve you, who doesn’t respect you or your emotions, thoughts, words and what’s meaningful to you, must be tossed out. This is one of the worst forms of abuse anyone can be subjected to. It kills your confidence, creativity and individuality.

Do yourself a favour and research it. Only once you’re already in it, will you know. Don’t allow it to destroy you. Step back and get out, unless you can see drastic and willing change from whoever might be dishing it out to you.

I type this blog post feeling absolutely nauseous.

Things fall apart before they come together

My cousin’s funeral was this morning. Only 50 attendees were allowed. An invite needs to be extended and those who attend would require to retrieve a permit from the police station. No open casket. No coming in close contact with the body. I was not invited, but we were fortunate enough to view the church service via Zoom, which I am thankful for. It obviously wasn’t the same, as not everyone could be seen and the sound wasn’t all that clear. This is the way forward, whilst this virus is rife and without a vaccine or cure, this is how ‘cold’ funerals have been and will be. How sad. It was heartbreaking, not being able to be visiting her while in hospital and even more so not being able to support the family and paying respects by attending the funeral, which in some way would bring closure to this devastating occurrence we have all endured. Nevertheless, nothing can be done about it now, it’s done and dusted, certainly not over, as the real grieving only starts now. I have a splitting headache, I woke this morning, extremely anxious, knowing what I was about to witness. I haven’t moved from this bed. I haven’t eaten. I’m sure there’s so many of us as family and friends whom this loss is affecting that’s doing the exact same thing as me. Or is there? Everyone deals in their own way. This is my way. When my heart feels empty and broken, I am basically lifeless, I can’t and I don’t want to do a single thing. I prefer crying when I feel sad, to me it’s good to show emotion, to let it out, instead of keeping busy and basically pretending to be strong and okay by suppressing your real emotions. Only because when you do that, and for however long you can do that, when you crack, then it’s really, really bad.

So, as I said, and as some of you already know, I suffer quite intensely of mental health issues. This virus, has scared me from the start, and even way more now that it has abruptly taken the life of someone who is very dear to me. And has also infected another cousin of mine. We received this news on Friday. So forgive me, for wanting to be exceptionally cautious and safe. Anxiety during this time, is good in a way, only because people who are anxious, are more aware and are more careful, but at the same time, it creates so much fear in us, that we can only think of the worst. When you don’t have this, you won’t know how and what is really felt. For one the person I am quarantined with, he doesn’t know what it is because it doesn’t affect him at all, so he is not perturbed in the slightest. He doesn’t know what happens in my mind and in my body when I experience anxiety attacks, he doesn’t know how my chest heaves and how my heart feels. And it seems as though he simply just doesn’t care, because all he can think about is himself. We have been isolating, just the two of us in his space, his space because we are in his home, since the start of the lockdown. That is more than one month. Absolutely no one was allowed or came around. I felt at ease, knowing that we would be ok. I suffered anxiety attacks when I knew we had to go to the shop to stock up on essentials. I would be super stressed the day or night before and it became worse when we were actually in the shop. It was a mission coming home, having to wipe down each and every item that was purchased. I would be paranoid for the duration of the two weeks thereafter, incase we, or I, showed any symptoms and by then it was time to go back to restock again. I’m saying this in order to emphasise how this makes me and plenty more people out there feel, I’m saying this in the hope that he gets how this affects me mentally, because he feels the need to pick up and have his daughter here for a few days, who doesn’t live with him and who hasn’t been here since the week before lockdown began. It has caused a major rift in our relationship and in what we had built here through this time. I have a son too, who I haven’t seen for over a month as well, but I’m trying hard to see the bigger picture, because in the end if it’s in God’s plan, I want to make it out alive, I want my son and my parents to make it out alive, so I can get to see and spend time with them again. I guess not everyone feels the same. I guess not everyone thinks the same. It’s highly disappointing I’ll admit, but it is what it is.

People can be selfish where they only see to their own needs and wants and desires. I can’t base my my choice on feelings right now and put the lives of my 84 year old parents at risk. I care about them enough to keep them safe by staying where I am. But if it means me going home to my safe haven, instead of having outsiders come into the space I am currently in, then so be it. Not everyone is considerate and perhaps only once you’ve endured a fatal loss due to this virus will you understand how easily contracted this devastating motherfucker is.

Be safe out there. Here in Western Cape South Africa numbers are rising. We are currently the epicentre of covid19 in SA. Yet, people are still treating it as a joke. And sadly, my partner happens to be one of those jokers.

Ignorance is bliss.

knocked down during the lockdown

This cannot be a joy to any of us. We are basically stripped of our freedom. Restricted from the ease of our mobility. I forgot what our normality feels like. Being stuck in one place, which was once your happy space, has now become your confinement. Even though the best precautionary measures have been put in place, which I am in complete agreement with, in order to diminish the spread of this devastating virus, it still remains frustrating. It is stifling and even more so when you suffer with mental health issues. So tell me, why on earth would anyone, intentionally choose to make it anymore unpleasant for the next person? I miss my family, in my case has been narrowed down to, my mom and dad, son and dog. And yes, I do battle with ptsd, depression and anxiety. We have very recently experienced the loss of a loved one, due to covid19, so being in mourning and doing the damndest to remain sane through this whole spirit-crushing ordeal, doesn’t require fools like my parents son, and I’ll refer to him as their son, as he has become nothing of me during this time of him choosing to be on the same bandwagon as his other siblings because they can’t get their way with me, to be sending me frequent messages of attack to emotionally manipulate me by enforcing guilt trips upon me because of their own wrongs.

My blog is about my truth, my honesty and my reality. Although, I am aware that there are many others out there who in fact deal with similar situations in their every day life. So as much as this is a deep insight into my personal life and emotions, it’s also bringing the realness out into the open for everyone else, not to know or be judgemental of me and my issues, but to be able relate to and to know that you’re not alone.

Because I decided one day a few years ago for my own wellbeing to take a stand in my own beliefs, I am currently bearing the brunt for it. I remain constant in what I feel and believe is right and valid, not allowing anyone or thing to allow me to falter from my path, no matter who I lose in the process. I am strong willed, especially when it comes to what, to me, is right. Sometimes, your very own blood is what is toxic and because of what I have endured through my life, detoxing has become a constant and it really is amazing how much lighter I feel. So, I would recommend cutting out and letting go, anything or anyone, that/who doesn’t serve you, that/who is of no beneficial use to you, that/who is only there to knock and drag you down to the level they are currently being stagnant on. It is of no good to you and your mental state to stagger on with these heavy loads who is only but sapping your goodness and strength and positivity from you. The enemy doesn’t come to steal your joy, but to steal your strength. Like thieves in the night. They forget they are fucking with a Warrior.

Inhale the good shit. Exhale the bullshit.

Until next time β€

I am completely numb. My heart feels empty, yet feels trodden on. Like an empty sack of nothingness. My head feels thick, heavy, from all the tears I’ve cried. An emotional 3 weeks this has been. My spirit has been crushed.

She’s gone. She’s left us. She’s left this earth. I’ll never see her face again. I’ll never hear her voice again. I’ll never feel her hugs and kisses again. I’ll never enjoy laughs and talks with her again. I’ll never have her pop into my room and sit on my bed with me again. I’ll never get to experience any more special moments with her again. Our Wednesday nights Lenten missions at a halt πŸ’” This is unbelievable. Surreal. I cannot wrap my head around this. I am deflated. Every bit of faith has been knocked out of my body. I feel lifeless. Each time I think of her mom and her daughter, my heart sinks even further. Her siblings. They were such a huge, tightly knitted, loving family, who were always there to support each other, especially in times of need. She was always there for everyone, always helping out where she could, always fulfilling her role as a diligent daughter, mother, sister, aunt, niece, cousin and worker. And now she’s the missing link in this great chain of love and togetherness. Life will never be the same without her.

Experiencing loss, once again. It takes a while. Feels as though each time I’m just about to heal, it happens all over again. Knocks the wind out of me. Here we go again. The realisation. The acceptance. The grief. The miss. More grief. Lots more missing and plenty more tears and heartache. The mending. Slowly. Very slow. Fixing the brokenness with the forcefulness of being content with the new “normal”. This fucking sucks!!! Fuck!!! Not because I have to endure this, but because, it has happened! I refuse to believe that this was her time and how it was supposed to be! Am I wrong in saying this? Was it her time? Was this part of her life plan? Was this how it was set out for her? I can’t imagine that it was. Am I saying this out of brokenheartedness or anger? Will I, in a couple of months come to terms with accepting it as, that’s how it was set out for her? Probably. Why? Because I believe in God. The first thing I did today when I got the news, was Thank God for being with her through it all, thanking Him for never leaving her side. It brings comfort, knowing that she felt His love when her family was not able to be around.

This fucking virus ain’t no fucking joke. People are fucking around with the mentality that it will not affect them. I was super anxious about the spread of this virus, but not for one minute did I think it would not touch anyone I didn’t know. I was hopeful and trusted God that it wouldn’t. Until this happened. Shit got really real. Someone so close. So close to home. And death was the outcome. She fought a long traumatic battle. I was hopeful that she would make it out alive, I was eager to hear her take. I was eager for others to hear her testimony. She would have had one amazing story.

I’m so sorry for your struggle you endured. For your pain. For your aloneness in this time you really needed us. The roles were reversed and we were unable to fulfill ours.

Rest well sweet angel. I will miss you, sorely. I’m thankful for the moments we shared. You will always be in my heart. Never forgotten and always loved ❀ Rest in Eternal Peace Cuz πŸ˜‡

Almost there…

…but…are we really though? Are we really almost there? I guess it depends on whether you’re an optimist or pessimist, glass half full or glass half empty. No doubt we are moving forward, but how? How are we moving forward? Forward is progression either way. I have no doubt that we are on our way out, my faith is strong that we will overcome this and it too shall pass. But as for us being, “almost there”, I don’t know hey, it could still be a far way off. Now I know, I’m not being negative, I’m just being realistic. Like I said in my previous blog post…things usually become worse before they get better.

Today I felt emotional. I woke this morning, feeling sensitive and fragile. As much as I could have or wanted to stay in bed and binge watch Netflix series, I forced myself out of bed to exercise and shower instead. Read my daily devotionals and my Holy Week Bible scriptures too. Not long thereafter, I started feeling stronger, slightly more at ease, this is probably because I took a pill to calm my anxiety, but I was able to feel better and have a good day. It’s after 9pm, I’m in bed and I haven’t shaken the emotions just yet. But, as I often say, as I always tell friends or family, tomorrow will be a better day. I strongly believe that.

My cousin was diagnosed with covid19 yesterday. Now this is not just a cousin or any cousin. This is my cousin who lives like 2 minutes drive from my parents home, which is my home too. Her mom is my mom’s sister. She is often in and out at our home. She is also my godmother. This is undoubtedly the reason as to why I am feeling this way today. She is a strong woman. One of the strongest I know. She was placed on oxygen since yesterday as soon as she was admitted. A bit earlier this evening we received some wonderful news, that she is eating and has spoken to her daughter (over the telephone) but is still exhausted. But this is all we need to know right!? With this great news, we just continue to pray. We serve a mighty God. This is such a trying time for us all. This is such an emotional situation we all find ourselves in. Each one of us. This global pandemic, has really pushed most of our buttons. We all are dealing with it in our own way and perhaps the best way we know how for ourselves, but one thing’s for certain…it’s got us emotionally by the balls. She has been on my mind constantly and because it’s so close to home, it’s got me missing my mom and dad and my son and my dog even more πŸ’”

Our world is in such a fragile state. And for how much longer? No one knows. Everyone. Everything. Hopefully at the end of this battle, we will all realise what really is important.

Global Warning

What a time to be alive!!!

Everyone on earth experiencing the exact same thing at the exact same time in our lives! Intense. Scary. Wow. This is such an emotional journey we are all on. We’re all clueless, as to how much longer this will be going on for and no one knows whether the severity will worsen. In South Africa, we are only just experiencing our first week of lockdown, our numbers of positive cases are not as many as most countries, but we do foresee it becoming worse before it gets better. Doesn’t most things happen that way?

Most people are experiencing cabin fever at this point already, and we still have 2 weeks to go. Not knowing whether our time to #stayhome will be extended. I believe that people should simply sacrifice just a bit of their time, to save not only themselves, but the lives of others. We have so many ignorant people, not believing that this is real, being selfish by not staying indoors, believing that they won’t become infected and affected by this fatal virus. Perhaps I’m the ignorant one in thinking that we all think the same. That we are all on the same page where it comes to being unselfish and being mindful of others. My parents are 83 years old. I want to preserve their lives for as long as I can. I can’t and don’t see their lifespan being cut shorter due to this virus. My word! They’ve lived through a war for crying out loud! I’m so protective over them at this point that I’ve even had an altercation with my sibling, trying to make him understand how important and serious this really is. I guess even the people closest to you can be just as ignorant as any stranger on the street hey. I simply assumed that being cut from the same cloth, that he would understand the logic and reality of the situation we all find ourselves in, but I was wrong. Perhaps now he sees everything with different eyes and thinks with a different mind.

Everyone or most, are anxious and fearful and on edge. I too suffer from severe anxiety, but talking to and knowing that my son and parents are well and have what they need, calms me. At the end of it all, only God knows what the outcome will be. This is a perfect time for us to reflect, to seek His face and draw closer to Him. I believe in my heart of hearts that that is exactly what God wants from us right now. Without Him, I’m doubtful that I would get through this, not in my mental or emotional capacity. That’s my lockdown mission I am on. Oh…and at-home exercising. I’ve been doing well, for someone who is really bad with consistency and discipline, I’m doing pretty good. What may seem small to others, is huge for me. So I’m really proud of myself for being on this trajectory and sticking to it.

What have you been up to during lockdown? Wherever in the world you might be.

So much power in this bible verse! πŸ™πŸ½ God’s promises ❀ I’ve been hearing and reading this verse everywhere, for the past two weeks. Love it ❀

Sending each and everyone one of you, love and light in what seems to be such a dark time. Hang on to your faith. Hang on to God. He always has your back. Take care all. Keep safe. Stay home. Wash your hands. God bless.

SOS

I suffered an emotional eruption last night. I had a mental and emotional meltdown. Not entirely sure whether that’s an actual thing, but I certainly felt it. Not the first time I’ve experienced it though. I’m drained today. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Why is it that, some of us are aware of all the help that is offered out there to assist with this coping of mental health issues, however, we’re often in denial about requiring any help? I know after a few days, I’m going to feel ok again, good-to-go, like nothing’s happened, until, I encounter another episode of anxiety and depression. It just takes the tiniest of triggers to set it all off. I’m so sorry for my blogging posts to be so dramatic and negative and fucked up, but I’m just being real. Many people are not sensitive to people like us, many people are unsure of how to deal with us, many people don’t have a clue as to what to say to us, many people think we’re acting out and being ridiculous. If they only knew…

I stopped seeing my therapist a few years back, a few months after my fiance died. I felt good. I was attending church weekly and I had my family and friends as my support structure. I also felt I needed to be stronger for my son, when infact he was the one, who was my pillar of strength and neglected his own feelings of pain and grief. A few years ago, when I still worked at my previous employer, my manager and I had a chat, we had a really good relationship, I miss her for that, she told me or rather asked me why I didn’t go back for additional or continued counselling. I said I’d think about it. I never did. I’ve had more friends ask me the same question over time. They must have seen what I have been avoiding to realise.

I thought about taking a walk this morning. Just thought about it lol. I did, however, just did a mini home workout, through all the brokenness, I only completed one pathetic round, which felt enough for me at the time as I ended up lying on my back balling my eyes out once again. Even I’m sick of all the tears, believe me πŸ™„

I hope that soon I’ll muster up the courage to seek help. Perhaps then, I’ll have some positive things to blog about πŸ˜‰

The worst thing to do, which I find myself doing way too often, because it’s the only way I know how, is to isolate yourself from the world. I’m accustomed to isolation and it’s extremely tough for me to get myself to do it any other way. But, it makes everything so much worse. I do agree however to not suppress anything by drowning yourself with your work or socialising and not taking some time out for yourself to actually experience what is needed for you to feel, but please don’t succumb to it. If you have a support structure, then lucky for you, maximise the shit out of it/them. Talk about your feelings. Let it out. Sometimes we just need a listening ear. No advice. Just someone to hear us. Don’t keep it bottled up inside for durations of time, you’re only hurting yourself more. I know how difficult it is to even get up, to get out, to even get showered and dressed, let alone speak, but if you have a person, I would say talk. Or seek external assistance from professionals, that’s what they are there for 😊 and pray, always.

Depression. Anxiety. PTSD. Are very real. #raisingawareness

Silent Tears

Why is it that the shower almost always seems the best place to cry? I mean whilst you’re actually taking a shower…water running over you while your tears streams down your face. Quiet sobs. Silent tears. Uncontrollable crying. Until I felt myself feeling so weak that I ended up sitting arse flat down on the shower floor, still crying. Is it in the hope that once we cry, all those sadness and heartache, goes down the drain along with your dirt?

Have you ever felt as though you’re not doing anything right? Even if it was just one thing that you felt that you seem to be failing at all the time? No matter how hard you think you’ve tried or are trying? Whereby you just felt or feel that you’re not doing your best, like you’re a complete failure? I’ve been feeling like an inadequate loser the past few days and today it’s taken its toll on me. I broke down while having such a lovely shower. A thousand thoughts running through my head all at once. My heart feeling sore and broken. All these emotions, caused my anxiety to kick in while in the shower and that was the actual trigger to my episode. When I realised and felt how anxious I was, it made me feel even worse, I found myself thinking, do I still have to deal with you too when I’m already feeling super shit? Like wtf?

I’m still not ok. I’m still feeling the same. Not as anxious but still quite emotional. Still feeling useless, especially as a mother, and then in general as a person. I’m not sure whether my period’s on its way or whether it’s just the psychological emotional mental abuse I’ve endured growing up and still am, that has finally caught up with me. People’s words hurt and especially over time. I don’t think they realise, but, like Jesus said in Luke 23:34

Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

Tomorrow will be better, Meriza.

Special moments

Home. Cape Town. South Africa. My exquisite city.

Valentine’s date was a real surprise. And such a pleasant one at that. I’m not very easily impressed, but hands down, my Valentine certainly made an impression.

We enjoyed a magnificent sunset cruise upon a stylishly elegant yacht. Sipping on delicious bubbles and one of our very own locally produced gins.
It was perfect for us ❀

However, we both came to the conclusion, that we will never go on a holiday getaway on one of those ship cruises πŸ˜‚

Let love grow…

Do everything in love (1 Corinthians 16:14)

I saved this from Facebook earlier. Is this the true and actual storyline of Valentine’s Day? I honestly don’t know, but I think I kinda like it.

I’m not big on this day to be quite frank. In South Africa, it’s been fully commercialized. The next big celebration after Christmas and the Festive Season. I simply feel that everyday should be filled with and treated with love. Everyday we should be showing and treating our loved ones with love. Sometimes, it’s hard, no doubt, due to conflicts, but generally we know what to do. Perhaps this day, should just be a reminder to us all that we should try harder to do all things in love. Perhaps not the only day of the year to show appreciation and love towards others, but just as a day where the message comes across clearer and deeper, for us to be more mindful of what it is we should be rightfully portraying.

A reminder to myself, as I am guilty of losing the plot most days when it comes to LOVE

So…even though I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day, I was blessed with a bunch of pretty roses early this morning from my lover πŸ’ and we’re going on a date this evening ❀ it’s a surprise, but I’m pretty sure out of all the things I’ve guess it to be, it has to be one of them, but he ain’t saying a word 🀐

I guess I am kinda doing this in love then huh? Because the more I think about it, the more I’m feeling kinda like I’m looking forward to it πŸ₯°

Spread LOVE ❀

Busy Bee

Umm…not entirely true, however, because the hours in the days goes by extremely fast, it certainly does feel like I’ve been a busy bee.

Been trying to post a blog at least once a week, but I’m not really winning with sticking to, or finding the time, to practice some sort of consistency in this regard.

So this post is simply to say “Hello!” “I’m still here, in the land of the living.” “I have not forgotten about you or my blog.” and… “Thank you for following my blog, I appreciate you and I’m sending you so much love and light.”

I feel somewhat stressed, but, emphasis on somewhat, as I don’t find myself to be an actual stresser. I do however, become, as you should all know by now, super anxious. So at this point in my life, I’ve been focussing on my son and school and his wellbeing. Once I feel he is on the right track, I can go back and try again with making some progress with myself. Hopefully, I’ll be able to have more real life things to blog about.

It’s tough being a single parent. Most times I do feel like I’ve not done enough and that there’s so much I could have done and should still be doing. 19 years, it hasn’t been easy. I’m still learning. And as he grows older, so do I, and I actually get to know and understand him so much more. And this is how I realise, that the way I’ve been handling things with him, was not necessarily the right way, but at the time, it was the only way and the best way I knew how. They really do grow up way too fast. I thought I had time and here he is a young man already. Not my baby anymore, but in essence will always be.

My son shine πŸ’™

366

…and just like that, we are in February 2020.

Leap year. We get an extra day this year, to do something extra. Whether you choose it to be productive or unproductive. In all honesty, I have done absolutely nothing this year yet, besides, start a home workout routine…I shouldn’t say besides huh? Because that’s a start, and it’s something more than I did last year. I’ve also lost, this is before I started exercising, 3kgs, which I’m quite chuffed about, as it was not intentional at the time. But, I already seem to look better and feel better. So, if I think about it, my January hasn’t been as bad or useless as I thought it to be. Starting off on the right footing, and working harder towards remaining consistent and intentional about a few things this year. It’s never easy, but it’s certainly worth a try.

What will you be leaping into this year? What’s your extra for 2020?

Where has the day gone?

Is it just me, or does everyone else feel as though the past few days of 2020 have passed by considerably fast??? We have the same amount of hours in a day, but yet, time flies, whether you’re extremely busy or not. Each day I check the clock and BOOM, it’s 5 hours later from the last time I checked the time. I wake in the morning fairly early and when I look again, it’s bed time. Wowser! I see us posting about Christmas again pretty soon…

New week, Fresh start, Another chance

Well…that’s how my new week is supposed to start. It’s Sunday night and by the way I am feeling, it doesn’t look like I will be much of a positive pineapple by morning. I’m down in the dumps. Again. For every 10 days of happiness, there’s 5 consecutive days of sadness. Or so it seems…

I just took half a sleeping pill and thought I’d just blog quickly about how kak (shit) I’ve been feeling. I’ve cried so much in the past hour, I wasn’t aware I still had so many tears to shed.

Flashbacks has to be the worst. Especially when you can still place yourself in that particular situation and actually relive your experience. When it’s flashbacks of good, happy moments then, bring it on! But…when it’s bad, it just plays over and over and you can’t seem to eliminate yourself from the moment, it gets your heart hurting and breaking into a million pieces all over again and once again, you feel helpless, you become angry, and you start questioning and feeling confused. You feel you can’t breathe, you feel the dire need to scream, but also crumble to the floor and die. It literally feels as though when you do stand up on your two feet, that your legs will give in and you will crumble to the floor. And you’ll end up being this pile of brokenness just lying there. How? How am I ever going to be alright? How am I ever going to be okay again? Will I ever be okay? I have never known hurt such as this. If I should ever experience a hurt worse than this, I will kill my fucking self. There’s only so much one can handle.

So I should probably have to continue my therapy. And as much as I know it does create some sort of relief, what the fuck do I do when I’m not in therapy? When my mind runs away with me? When I see something or hear something that triggers shit? What then? Do I contact my therapist and speak to them via the telephone? How the fuck will that help? How will it help, when you’re running out of options of things to do and try to heal? I’m exhausted. I’m fucked. For every 5 good days, I get 3 bad ones in return. Yeah, that’s more like it, because when do I ever have 10 straight good happy days??? Hahaha! Maybe 10 bad days and 5 good yes, that sounds about right too.

People think they know. People who have never been through what you have been through, they are the ones who want to say the most. May they always talk through their arseholes and never experience the pain you have.

I’ll try to make myself feel better in the morning okay? I’d really like to post more happy, positive things for 2020. But for now, I’m just going to go with it…whatever comes, comes.

I’m about to read To Kill a Mockingbird to ease my mind and wait for my pill to kick in.

Let’s do this…

…are we gonna do this? Am I going to do this???

New year, new me bullshit. Nah, I’m not one to jump on the bandwagon. Instead, I’m gonna remain the asshole I was in 2019. However, I am going to try to do more this year.

It feels as though there’s still so much to do and too little time. It bothers me that I might run out of time to complete and accomplish all it is I want in my life. But does it really bother me? I don’t know, but what I do know is that at the end of this year, I’ll be somewhat different, if, BIG if, I remain consistent and intentional. I struggle with this, but it’s worth a shot for 2020.

Nothing in life is easy. The right things to do are never easy. But most certainly worth it.

Almost time to go! Last few days of vacay for me and then it’s time to get focussed πŸ€“

2020. Make it count.

20/20 vision with action

Last post for 2019

It’s that week between Christmas, where no one knows the date or day, unless you’re back at work, where you’re either lazy af and all you wanna do is lounge and literally do nothing, where you’re maximising your holiday time and still spending it with family and friends, going out and doing things. I’m the former, I’m unsure of the date and day and I’m lazy af. So lazy that I don’t feel like taking a shower or bathe. Fuck that. I’ve woken up and moved from the bed to the couch, in my gown. Just had a cup of coffee and some all bran flakes, so I can regulate my bowels and get rid of Christmas food. Which by the way, I hardly ate. This Christmas was so different was even more different to any I’ve ever experienced and lived through. I’m not even sure how I feel about it to be honest. Whether I enjoyed it or hated it. I can’t really say. What I can say, is that I didn’t put much effort into it, so I was way more chilled about it. Chilled about the shops, gifts, food. Perhaps it’s me getting older with each passing year or that there was too much emotionally and mentally going on. Nonetheless, I’m thankful that I got to spend yet another Christmas, or rather Christmas Eve with my parents. And that means the world to me. I’ve been blessed. At the top of my head, I know of 3 friends who have lost their mothers this year. The last one, just very recently passed on the 17th December. My childhood friend’s mom. So whilst we were planning Christmas, they were planning a funeral. How very heartbreaking. And these are only the moms, there have been dads lost, friends and so many more. It seems as though with each passing year, things become even more morbid. All round the world. So we should treasure the happy moments we still get to share with the people we love. I was happy to make my parents happy, and to make my son feel slightly better than he has been. And now? Now Christmas is over, and we wait for the New Year. We wait lazily, some impatiently. And what for? I really don’t know. To make resolutions that we never stick to? Just fyi, I’ve never done that shit. Never made any resolutions. We don’t need the start of a new year to make a change in our lives. We have each day we are blessed enough to open our eyes to, to make those changes. So…I’m just gonna lie on this couch, finish my cup of now already cold coffee, and enjoy the silence. All I hear is the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind and some plane overhead. Wish I was on there.

Happy Holidays and may 2020 be good to you!

What on earth just happened???

Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it will eat its fruits β˜† Proverbs 18 : 21

This tongue,

This vicious tongue.

The vulgarity doesn’t suit this tongue.

Words,

It cuts, severely. Deeply.

It causes pain, heartache and tears.

The intention,

To break you.

To scar you.

It will destroy you.

Almost impossible to pick up the pieces after this powerful tongue ripped you apart.

Watch what you say. Everyone. Your words can trigger harmful shit. That’s exactly what the devil is plotting. We should train ourselves to be mindful of the words which flow from our lips. They are not always good and kind.

Between yesterday and today, I was on a role of disgustingness and vulgarity. And you know what? I feel there is absolutely no way to ever redeem myself.

The only one I want to ask forgiveness for, who doesn’t judge and is always willing to give you another chance, is my God. He knows my heart. He knows who I really am. I need His guidance on what happens next. I need his help with making me a better person. I need him to help me get rid of the anger and hate I was capable of feeling yesterday and today. There was so much of it. And there’s no one I can turn to but Him.

How am I going to do this?

Do I want to do this?

Am I even ready to do this?

Am I feeling embarrassed to do this?

We are all flawed. I’m not using that as an excuse to be ugly and nasty and cruel and insensitive. Once we acknowledge that, we’re moving in the right direction. To become better people. I want to be better.

Remember : Bite that bastard of a powerful tongue when it’s about to create no good!

Clarity

My life seems like a jumbled mess. Just when you think you’ve got shit under control and everything, or most, is running smoothly…yeah right. Shaking. My. Damn. Head πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ life pops it’s nasty ass out at you and shouts, “GOTCHA!!!” and laughs…

Life! You bastard! Stop making me believe stuff and clear some shit up mahn! I find this quite hilarious actually. As much as it’s confusing. It’s still very funny. And funny because of the way I am addressing it. Not the real life drama. I currently feel like I just want out. Out of life. What am I even here for? To feel fucked up most of the time? Is that why I am here? I’m not posing these questions to anyone in particular and definitely not to God per se. It’s just questions and emotions floating around in my head.

I need some clarity in my life. Only I can clarify my life. Me. I’m the one to clear shit up. Make decisions. I feel useless and worthless and depressed and frustrated and angry and confused and indecisive and unsure and helpless and unambitious. If you can think of any other negative emotions, I’m probably feeling that way too. It’s all me right now.

I certainly feel lost. I miss my best, best, best friend so much. It’s actually ridiculous. Like I’m never ever going to get him back. Moments like these, I just feel the need to talk to him. To tell him what’s on my mind and how I’m feeling. I don’t have a person like that anymore. Not since he left. I miss the sense that he spoke. I miss the encouragement. I miss the goodness and kindness of his heart. I miss his love. I miss how his words soothed my heart and mind. I’m not seeking a replacement. But I just haven’t found that human being that I can really speak to. I don’t think any amount of time that passes will make me feel differently. How am I going to get this together? Will I ever get this together?

I feel like escaping. Running away. Leaving everything behind who/that drains me. How and where do I start trying to figure out my life when each time I think I figured it out, it bites me in the ass? Is it even worth it???

Feels as though we utilise more of our time to figure life out. Are we not supposed to be utilising most of our time, living life? Why does mine seem so difficult? Can’t just be me, right?

Guess I have to place myself right back at the drawing board. But first…let me speak to Jarrod πŸ˜‰

RiPJBπŸ˜‡

I know you hear me.

Less stuff equals more freedom…

I like this quote. Found it via Google. It resonates with me. It covers a multitude of ‘stuff’.

About twice yearly, I’ll clear out my wardrobe. Clothing, accessories, shoes, whatever I have in there that I haven’t worn or used for at minimum, one year. I believe that if I ain’t doing anything with it, there’s someone out there who could. I’m no hoarder. When I saw this quote by Maxime LagacΓ©, “Less stuff equals more freedom”, I immediately felt that I was being spoken to, or pointed out that somethings in my life, should not be there. I’m wasting away too much time having it in my life. It’s taking up too much space. And I enjoy freedom, I enjoy lightness. I don’t enjoy feeling smothered, claustrophobic, tied and held down. Cluttered. It plays on my anxiety. The airier, the better.

I think I might have reached an obstacle in my life which has to be tossed out. Especially when it does more harm than good.

It’s a sense of relief once we make that choice to clean out what’s not needed any longer. It’s been happening to me for the past few years, and it doesn’t seem to end. At the rate I’m going, pretty soon I might not have anyone or anything left in my life to clear out 🀭 Which I am totally fine with, as I do believe in quality above quantity any day.

Note to self : Don’t give up everything for someone who has not been prepared to alter their own life for you.

That simply means, you’re not appreciated and not worth the change or effort.

Realizations hurt πŸ’”

Sunday Revelation

It’s important to realise you can miss something, but not want it back.

Paulo Coelho

Date Night

A friend of mine regifted one of her birthday gifts, which was 2 tickets to a comedy night that came with dinner and beer for 2, to me and my guy. She and her hubby couldn’t make it, due to it being her company’s Christmas/End of Year event. Up until getting ready to leave yesterday evening to the show, I was doubtful. Doubtful about going, as I wasn’t in an emotionally and mentally good space. I forced myself to go, as I didn’t want to disappoint her, by wasting such a good treat at the last minute, and my man as he was looking so forward to us making this outing a date night. We don’t often get to have date nights, although we will go out for random lunches and movie nights now and again. We also get to spend alone time together more often than not, and I guess I kinda consider those as date nights too, as we just get to unwind and be in each others space without any real interruptions. But it’s obviously so much nicer when you get to go out and experience and enjoy different things together.

Last night’s free date night was a success and I’m happy I didn’t cancel. I mean who doesn’t love laughter and people and food and the company of someone you love?

I believe it’s absolutely imperative that we make time for us as a couple, it’s not always easy, but relationships are not always easy, so we need to focus on why we are together and who we fell inlove with in the first place. We need to check in with each other, regularly, to ensure that we are always on the same page. Understanding where we’re at makes the relationship sail smoother.

Keep the spark alive people!

And remember…

…The best things in life are free!

Faith > Fear

I haven’t done make-up in a while. I mean applying it to someone’s face for a major event. Tomorrow will be my first. My neighbour’s daughter for her grade 12 farewell dance. I’m nervous. Luckily she’s not huge on make-up, which makes it somewhat easier for me, as she doesn’t want it packed on. Relief but still I’m anxious. I just don’t want to mess it up and these are the thoughts that makes me question my capabilities. Fear is great when it comes to taking on tasks. This is why we delay so many things in life. Our fear cripples us. Self doubt. I know I can do it, but my fear gets the better of me, and I start thinking only bad things. Like what if it doesn’t come out the way I envisioned it? What if she doesn’t like it and it’s too late to change it? Well, there’s no backing out now. Faith. This is where you come in. Allow me to calm down, breathe, have only positive thoughts and believe in myself. If you take over faith, there’ll be no room for fear.

Note to self :

Faith activates God – Fear activates the enemy

My Normie πŸ’–

Good morning world!

Just an update on my little Norma ❀

She found her way to my bedroom last night. Came to find her new bed and that’s where she stayed and still is.

She definitely looks better. She’s definitely acting better. Her tail wags madly when I speak to her, so that makes me content that she’s not upset. Rest up Norma! We have loads of loving and playing to still do! β€πŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ–€

Unicorns and Norma-Jeane

I think I’ve only just fully recovered from my weekend. Organising and having kiddies parties ain’t no joke. So much work is involved, from planning, to placing orders and hiring, to spending money, to cleaning and then to executing and then right back to cleaning and then some more cleaning. What the actual f ??? My feet and body was quite sore yesterday after operation final clean up. Yes I know, it’s a clear sign of how unfit I am. Nevertheless, with all cleaning and sore stiff bodies aside, we did pretty darn well. The kids had a blast! The wind didn’t get the better of them nor our plans to have a successful 6 year old unicorn themed kiddies party! πŸ¦„ We had such a good, happy weekend.

And then Monday happened… the day we had Norma-Jeane booked in for her little op. NJ is my 6 year old cocker spaniel ❀ I love her so damn much. She’s been with me through it all. For the past 6 years that is. And alot has happened in these past 6 years might I add. But she’s been there at my side, licking me, loving me, checking up on me, sleeping by me, this cutie has my complete heart. I cannot even describe how much love I have for her. But surely you pet lovers out there, know exactly what i am referring to. Anyway, she had a cyst on the top of her head for the past few months, we had it checked out and it was non-malignant (Thank You Lord because I don’t think I would have dealt very well with it being detrimental to her), she too had to be spayed, which I have been delaying and only because she would have to stay over for one night at the animal welfare… this time around I couldn’t delay it any more than I already had and we took her in yesterday afternoon, around 4pm and we collected her this afternoon around the same time. It broke my heart to see my baby, with stitches on the top of her head and her stomach. It breaks my heart to see her still drowsy from the anesthetic and not being herself at all. She would usually be around me, constantly, but, today, since we returned home, she’s been laying underneath the pedestal in my parents bedroom and sleeping and shivering and I’m afraid to just pick her up. Afraid I might hurt her. So I’ll wait until she feels stronger, to come find me. Yesterday I had to calm myself and not be anxious when we dropped her off, I really wasn’t, because I was afraid that she would feel my anxiety and fear and concern of just leaving her there, alone, without any of us, for a whole night and day. I prayed for her, while I held her and kissed her goodbye and stressed how much I really really love her and that she mustn’t be afraid and that I’ll come and get her. I worried that she might have thought I was just going to leave her there. She probably did. Today we fetched her and I became slightly emotional. Emotional in the car, trying to hold her down gently, so she didn’t hurt herself while wriggling around. I’m still feeling super teary-eyed, just thinking about it and when I watch her while she sleeps.

Dogs 🐾 We’ve always had dogs. I’ve never felt this type of love for any of the others. Not that I’ve ever hated them. But this love I have for my girl. Wow. God blessed me with this one. She loves me just as much. Perhaps not at this very moment, but she’ll soon love me again.Now I pray for her complete and speedy recovery. In 10 days, we take her back to have her stitches removed. I can’t wait to take her for some beach play time and doggy grooming. She surely deserves it. My champ! I love you so much Norma-Jeane ❀❀❀ you’ve helped me through so much and now I’m here to help you through your time of need.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Deep Breaths

I woke this morning feeling anxious. Just like I woke yesterday morning feeling anxious. Like I wake practically every morning feeling anxious. FML.

Why is it that in most instances, you can never really put your finger on what exactly is causing your anxiety? I had two biscuits with a cup of coffee for breakfast and a little peachy coloured pill that helps calm me the fuck down. Usually I try to control my breathing, that usually takes a long while and I find that the pill acts faster than me practicing my breathing technique. So I’m definitely going to opt for the quick fix! Yet, I don’t want to allow my anxiety to be the cause of me becoming dependent on pills. I feel as long as I’m aware, I won’t allow myself to. I do know of two other solutions that work, it takes a while but it really does work, deep breaths, controlling your breathing AND praying. I usually pray the Our Father over and over again, until I fall asleep or until I automatically feel calmer without me even really noticing that I’m calmer. Even typing this post, is making me feel more at ease, not as hyped up as five minutes ago. But is it the pill or the actual typing of these words??? I’m anticipating this day, I’m getting all worked up for this day, although there’s nothing demanding expected of me today.

Anxiety is such a tough battle. Not many understand. But those in the know, knows. Does it ever go away completely? Asking for a friend? Does anxiety happen once we experience a traumatic life experience? Is this how we live for the rest of our lives? Anxiety has definitely altered who I am, who I was, and it feels as though, I’ll never get me back again. Ever. I want to be the carefree, nonchalant, anxiety free Me again. That’s what and who I long for.

Prayers.

Deep breaths.

Beach walks.

Alzams.

Weed.

These are my current go-to’s

It’s frustrating when you’re not even able to read. When it’s something you love but find it extremely difficult to even open the bible or a book because you’ll end up reading one or two lines, not knowing what it is that you just read, over and over again, but still you can’t make any sense of it, so you end up slamming the book shut and wait until you’re ready to try again. It’s frustrating when your chest feels as though it wants to burst because it’s so tight, you’re literally struggling to breathe and you legit feel as though you’re about to have a heart attack. Like who ever came up with this anxiety thing??? How is it even a thing??? And when did it become an actual thing???

πŸ€―πŸ”«

A Brand New Day

Today was a typical example of how things can change drastically almost immediately. Wow! I was not ready for today. Our life plans are never our own. We try to make it our own. We try our damnedest to make it go according to what we want and think we need, but, God can change it up instantaneously. Just like that. Wow Lord. These past two months being on this trajectory, has just been You. Everything about these past two months, I believe has come from You. Today was most certainly You. This was how You chose to change my route. You chose the time. You chose the day. I couldn’t feel more relieved. More at ease. I have no doubt that You’ll be carrying me through, guiding the way and lighting my path. I am in awe of You.

Lying in my bed again and milling today’s occurrences over and over in my head.

I cannot do this without You Lord.

I need You.

Show me the way.

End of life

Tuesday. Not my favourite day.

On my way to work this morning, I was notified that my cousin had just passed on.

He was Muslim, so dependent on the time in the day they pass, they get buried on that same day.

Funerals always become family reunions. Where everyones ecstatic to see each other and end up making plans to meet up regularly….

It never happens.

Since this morning’s message, I’ve been in a sombre mood. For obvious reasons.

My cousin was much older. Something like 20 years my senior. Throughout the years, as I’m sure happens with most families…we drift apart. But I remember that he was my favourite out of his siblings. I believe that I was in some way a favourite of his too. When I was much younger, he was already married and when we visited my aunt and he and his family happened to be there, which was most times, I always felt like one of his kids instead of his aunt’s daughter. I always remember him with having a smile on his face, quite humorous and an absolute favourite nephew of my mom’s. Up until his last, my mom and he still always connected with each other. They had a special bond and that’s probably why I also felt closer to him since I was little. My heart feels sad, for his wife, who I believe was an extraordinary wife to him and his beautiful children. Tomorrow is the start of their reality. Tomorrow is the start of less and less people being around, visiting, checking up on whether anything is needed and whether everyone is ok. Tomorrow they wake without their father and husband in their home. That’s heartbreaking. Such a difficult journey they are about to endure.

Death is never easy. We try to convince ourselves that the person (if ill) is out of their misery and or suffering when they pass on. Which I do believe is true. But it takes a very long time for you to really accept loss.

Life is short. We all see it every day. It’s imperative that we make the best of our times on this earth. Some days are better than others I know, as I still struggle with the same battle. But it’s worth a shot.

Home Sweet Home β€

My heart is smiling.

My heart is happy.

My heart is warm.

My mood changed instantaneously when I knew our plan was set, our minds were made up, we were on the same page. Both wanting and needing what we’ve silently been yearning for. Our lives so desperately require balance. The hustle and bustle of every day life takes its toll on not only you physically, you mentally, you emotionally, but everyone else around you too. It creates so much tension and pressure on relationships, that the littlest mole hill turns into one huge ass mountain! It’s incredibly draining and retracts the last bit of strength and energy from your soul. It’s wonderful that we’re aware of what fixes this. It’s great that we agree on it being the same thing. It’s amazing that these soul healers are our parents!!

My heart feels content.

My heart feels relieved.

My heart feels peace.

Nothing in this world can ever, will ever, be able to make me feel this type of warmth. Thank you Lord for blessing little old me with my amazing parents ❀

Home is truly where the heart is πŸ’˜

Home is my parents ❀

Home is my mom πŸ’

Home is my dad πŸ’™

Home is where I feel loved unconditionally and cared for limitlessly ❀❀❀

Thank You!

Just a Thank You to each and everyone who likes my blog and who likes and comments on my blog posts!

I’ve just recently started blogging, still finding my way, but enjoying the freedom and flexibility of utilising this platform when I need to vent or share. My blog’s very small though, but I’m going to be consistent and believe that good things take time.

Any of you have some tips for me please feel free to share.

Thank you

Dankie (This is Thank You in Afrikaans and pronounced ‘dunkey’ or ‘dungkey’ say ‘u’ as in up.

There, a quick language lesson and now I bet you all are practicing saying it πŸ˜‰πŸ˜„

It’s always tea time!

Enjoying a cuppa delicious cranberry, apple & cinnamon tea. Yummy! I love tea. Tea relaxes you, warms you up, cools you down, cheers you up! So many benefits oozing from these loose leaves and tea bags.

It could all be in my mind, but I do believe a cup of hot tasty tea, can make you feel tons better. Whoever invented tea!? Freakin genius I say! Even if it’s all in my head that it fixes almost anything. I choose to continue to believe it.

Instead of putting my foot in my mouth, I chose to sip on some tea.

“Alice, it’s tea time!”

Stuffed Up Sunday

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Sundays are made for, if not a good outdoor festival and drinks in the sun, then most definitely a super lazy and relaxed day… but mine was nothing of the two. I got to firstly, because of rugby, miss church, which is the third week in a row, and Lord knows how much I need it, and secondly, having to deal with the constant nagging and crying of the kids, which just puts a damn spoilt cherry on my cake! Now that it’s practically time for bed, time for Monday to almost arrive, it stops. Now…I don’t know about you, but if I’ve been in a foul mood most of my day, then there’s no way I can just snap out of it. I feel my day was wasted completely, nothing productive happened today, nothing I perhaps wanted to do, happened today. I feel today was yet once again one of those days whereby I was not considered. Now, I’m not seeking pity or feeling sorry for myself, it’s just that I feel I give way too much. I’m just way too kind and way too nice. I’m just way too accepting. I’m being walked over. Taken advantage of and I’m allowing it. But I certainly don’t deserve it, I wouldn’t think so, when I’m so accommodating and wanting to often make things simpler for everyone else around me, but myself.

I’ve been on this journey before, not too long ago infact, however, it was very short lived. I need to start afresh, the journey of being selfish. Being selfish with MY time and with MY self. I’ve learnt that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish, you have every right to be, it’s healthy for you, I’m done with being concerned by who feels what and thinks what when I actually say NO. You’re entitled to saying no to what no longer serves you. YOU are important too, not just everyone else, who does not reciprocate the same feeling or thought when it comes to you.

I haven’t posted in a while and I really didn’t want my first post after a while to have been a negative one. But hey here it is. I’ll cross my fingers for my next post to be a positive happy one!

I wish you strength for the week ahead. May it be filled with only good.

Show me the way

Uncertainty, is such a difficult thing. It’s supposed to make your decisions in life easier. The way I see it, is that, if you’re uncertain, two-minded, doubtful, about anything, then let it go. Why even think twice? Yet, I’m finding it hard to walk away. Why am I giving these situations time? Time for what? What will change? Undecided. Indecisive. Sometimes I wish I was stronger. I know I’m strong but I really wish I was so much stronger. What’s in it for me if I delay my choice? What’s in it for me if I stick around? Is it all really worth it?

Why am I settling and selling myself short? I should know my worth and be confident in who I am and what I deserve.

Life. Is it really this tough or do we just choose to make it complicated?

Love, Love, Love

I just woke from a bad dream, a very bad dream , bearing heartbreaking news to my parents. I’m unsure of what this means, but fuck it, I’m not going to harp on this type of negative shit. I rebuke it in Jesus Might Name!!! But I’m wide awake now, it’s 4:04am, and this bastard of a dream made me cry! Fuck you bad dream!πŸ–•πŸ½ Something good came of it though, at this time of the morning, it made me message my sister to tell her that I love her ❀

Some might think this to be sweet and not too much of a big deal, because you might do it every single day of your life with your friends and or family, siblings, parents…. for me right now, being raised with our parents not being affectionate with each other (at least in front of us as kids) or showing much affection to us as children, it was normality, or at least that’s what we thought or believed. To be honest it wasn’t even a thought, it was just how it was and it’s not as though we sat around with friends or even with each other as siblings to discuss how much affection we get shown at home…if you know what I mean. It’s only in the latter years of our lives that this changed, I mean way latter years, now also keep in mind, I am 39 and I’m the baby out of 5 children….so yes….

I assume it changed once we all bore kids of our own. Once we became parents. It only seemed natural, to ensure that our kids felt the love we had for them and what better way than to remind them by not only saying but showing them love in being affectionate, this is how we have raised our kids and I think we’ve done a pretty good job, as they seem to be comfortable in holding, hugging, kissing, loving, each other as siblings and cousins and us as their parents and aunts or uncles, the words I love you and I miss you flows effortlessly from their lips. Yet, us as my parents children, we still find it awkward, even though we are way more affectionate in our actions and words than we ever were growing up, it’s still a strain. It’s like nails running down a chalkboard, you end up biting down on your teeth and cringing, with your shoulders so tight that it’s scrunched up all the way to your neck, but there’s nothing you can do but ride it out and breathe and accept what’s happening. And then…the next time round, it becomes a wee bit better. And so we’re at a point where it’s not as painful to say I love you or I miss you or give each other a tighter squeeze than usual. It’s still a struggle with my dad to be honest. Infact, with both my parents, it is easier with my mom but, undoubtedly dad’s the tough cookie and it can only be because it hasn’t stemmed from them initially, but it is easier to tell my mom I love her compared to the unease of when I tell my dad. So when I hear my guy’s dad call him on random days to check in with him and they end their call so comfortably with I love you’s….wow it’s a whole other feeling that washes over me….it brings such a smile to my face and warmth in my heart….because I’ve hardly ever heard a telephone conversation end off in that manner between my dad and my brother….let alone a face to face one.

So…for me to send my sister an I love you message at 4 in the morning, it’s big, and especially when we have not communicated in probably 3 years.

Blogging about this, whether it makes any sense to you at all, it helped me in calming down after that bad dream. It actually does help when you put pen to paper and scribble down the overflow of your thoughts happening in your head. It creates some sort of relief and if you could call it, breathing space in your mind, for things to move at a slower pace…damn, I even just realised that I’m typing slower πŸ˜„

Have a Happy Sunday and say I Love You more often than not. You never know who might be in need of those words of affection at that time.

Spread and show the love ❀

Sleepless in the Plain

Anxiety creeping in

2am, Awake again

Uneasy, Exhausted

Endless thoughts

Heaving chest

Dammit! I need some rest!

Love Heals

….And I have come down with something. Whether it’s a cold or flu, I’m unsure. One things certain, it ain’t my allergies 🀧 I’m not fond of skipping work, no matter how much I either dislike a job or not, I feel super guilty about missing out. But, I need to take care of myself and this is why I chose to stay home today. I miss my mommy! 😫 I’m home alone and no one to take care of me. Now, if I was home-home (my parents house and my actual home) my mom would have checked in on me, made me breakie, and brought me medication and water and tissues and menthol camphor ointment πŸ€— but I’m home and my guy is out seeing clients and I had to make my own breakie and get my own water and made my own tea πŸ˜’ Yeah yeah yeah, I’m a big girl I know but I love being spoilt, I’ll admit, and I love being taken care of by people who loves me and wants to do it for me. Last night I was terribly sick, so sick that I even became emotional and started crying, because who really enjoys being ill??? When I am sick, I cry. That’s it. Judge me all you want. But I can’t handle that my body doesn’t feel like my own and that I can’t breathe and that my throat is sore and my nose is blocked and my head feels heavy and fat! I cry! My guy was amazing last night; he cooked, he drugged me up with some flu meds, he tucked me in and held me close. He woke up with me at 3am and brought me some water and gave me more meds. I know he feels crappy that he couldn’t stay to take care of me today, but I’m feeling better and I am able to do everything I need for myself until he gets home later. He isn’t my mom. But he does a fine job in his own special way. I appreciate him.

God has placed us in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives and I am grateful. It’s funny how we know each other for so many years but we only just knowing each other now, since the start of this year. It sounds confusing I know. But we know each other for roughly 16 years, same circle of friends, and only at the start of this year, 1st January 2019 to he exact, did we actually really start getting to know each other. We have learnt so much about each other in these past few months that it feels as though we have been a couple for many years already. Our relationship is becoming stronger every day and this is why we both believe that God made this happen for us now, because we are older and wiser and know what we want out of life. There’s literally no time to waste time. We’ve both experienced dramatic life changing occurrences…same but different… We’ve both come a long way since and have grown so much as individuals and I’m excited to see where our journey leads us πŸ’˜

❀ Thank you Lord for the many blessings you bestow upon me daily❀ everything and everyone❀

❀ set apart for such a time as this❀

A Mother’s Love can console even the draggiest Tuesday

Is it just me or does anyone else out there feel that TUESDAYS are the longest days of the week???

I’ve literally always felt this way, or at least since I started my job at the bank, a good few years ago. Like why and how on earth does Mondays not even drag like Tuesdays??? I just don’t get it.

Today I had actual work to occupy myself with, however, not even that helped in speeding up the working day. By lunch time I was completely knackered. So knackered I couldn’t even eat. But I might be coming down with a slight cold, as something seems to be tickling the back of my throat. I don’t want to be sick, but I also chose to not take any meds tonight…not very wise I know, but i hate medication and I also prefer to first see how I’ll feel in a day or two before dosing myself with anything. Also…in all honesty, I feel like being a bit under the weather so my mom can take care of me. There’s just nothing that can compare to a mother’s love and care. I believe we heal faster with their gentle loving touch. It comes direct from their genuine hearts.

Always love your mother because you will never get another ❀

Tuesday done and dusted. Rigggghhhhtttt….one day closer to the weekend….one day closer to being with my mommy 😍

Happy Sunday!

Two early mornings this weekend! I love it! Woke early on Saturday morning and did what I’ve been missing out on all Winter, which was taking an early morning stroll on the beach with my guy. Went clothing and grocery shopping and enjoyed an amazing breakfast all before the #RWC19 (SA vs NAM) started at 11h45am. Such a productive Saturday morning. So sitting back and just being home and relaxing for the rest of our day was totally acceptable and enjoyable. Today, Sunday, woke early and decided to attend the 8h30am Hillsong church service. Been to Spar for breakfast buns and now, relaxing on the couch watching Aus vs Wales #RWC19 . Perfect Winter weather for vegging on the couch today, watching sport and movies. I love these easy days. I love this simple life. It’s the little things that make me happy and makes my heart feel content with what I have and who I have in my life. It feels amazing when you get to this part of your life where you’re fussy about who you want must be in it and when you discover what exactly it is you want out of life and your journey becomes more interesting and content as you grow along. It just feels less pressurised as you mature and finally figure it all out. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? I hope everyone I know or who reads this, gets to a point or have aready reached that point whereby they are feeling less stressed about where their lives are headed, no matter the age.

Too grateful to be hateful and too blessed to be stressed.

Monday and work tomorrow, last week I had a really negative week with my thoughts regarding my job, could have been tiredness or me pmsing or that I skipped church last Sunday (personally, I feel that once you’re in it, you need that weekly church service to carry you through the next week) …. because you and I both know we need Jesus to tolerate and deal with certain people within the workplace πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ it’s difficult being back in the working world, working for a boss world, I’m struggling but I believe that it’s affirmation as to what I need to be doing with my future. It’s amazing how things become clearer as you go along. Things you know but you still need that one last thing to endure for complete clarity. My dreams and aspirations are certainly being realised! πŸ™ŒπŸ½

The road to success is always under construction.

Tongue rolling, mind flowing

Lazy Sundays

Tomorrow’s Monday

Feeling down

Feeling confused

However, my minds thoughtless

Hoping to hear Gods voice

Through this uncertainty

I think the signs are there

And I think its clear

But I’m doubtful

What to do?

Let go? Is this it? Move on?

Feeling confused

I deserve better

I’m a queen, I deserve that crown

I don’t deserve bullshit

That’s what I’m getting

Narcissistic traits, everywhere

Clear as day

Do I make a move, or do I stay?

Show me the way πŸ™πŸ½

Stronger than yesterday

5 years ago today, a hospital waiting room in ICU was my home for 6 full days. So fresh it feels like yesterday. What a traumatic life experience. I would never wish it upon even my worst enemy. All this time later and it doesn’t go away. The hurt. The pain. The sadness. The longing. The miss. The hole in my heart. The depression. The not being able to understand why. It took me a while but I was forced to accept that this was life, forced to accept that this was my life, forced to accept that this was what was set out for my life by God. If I didn’t, I would have gone mental. And I’ve come so far. Farther than I’ve been 5 years ago, further than I’ve been even 2 years ago. It’s been a difficult journey, one I will never forget, but I’m thankful to have seeked God from the start. Without Him, I would have been fucked. He has carried me through and still is, every single day. I become emotional when thinking about how great He has been to me, how faithful He always is. Now I get it when people say, He never gives you anything you cannot handle. He gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.

Last year this time, I was a complete mess. In fact it started around this time last year and ran a full course until the end of the year (to be exact, the week between Christmas and New Years Eve). I was broken to the core, all over again, it felt as if I was reliving the same pain I felt in September 2014.

Sitting at my fiancΓ©’s bedside for those 6 days, having so much hope and faith, trusting and believing that he was going to wake and open his eyes and when he did open his eyes, I would be the first person he would see. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I expected. Him waking up out of his induced coma, seeing me, smiling, and then asking me WTF he’s actually doing there. But, he didn’t, instead he waited for me to leave his bedside, leave the hospital, on the night of the 25th September 2014, so he could take his last breath, without anyone there but his night nurse to witness it. I said goodnight to him that night, I didn’t want to leave, but was forced to, I prayed for him, held his hands, his fingers, touched his face, saw tears running down his cheek, if only I knew it was the last time I was going to be at his side…fuck I remember it all so clearly, all too clearly, his nurse’s face and her words. When I thought of it all after his passing, it was all very clear that he was not going to make it. But they couldn’t tell me. I have so much respect for nurses now, I would never be able to be one. It must be the hardest thing for them to know what the outcome is going to be and they are not entitled to tell you. Even though typing these words, having flashbacks of the most frightful time in my life, has made me cry, it’s also made me smile. I’m so honoured to have loved and been loved by someone as wonderful as Jarrod Benjamin. It was his time to leave. God needed him way more than he was needed here on earth. And I’m thankful and grateful to have spent the last 4 years of his life with him. It was amazing ❀ Thank you for making me aware of how I deserve to be loved. I will always have the memories and you will forever have my heart…I have yours ❀

I trust God. Where He guides, He provides. This is my story, written by Him.

New week. New opportunities. Fresh starts.

Me Time…

…and no, I’m not referring to that kinda ‘me time’, not the pamper-myself and just -being-alone kinda ‘me time’. I don’t recall when last I had one of those to be honest… I’m just realising that it’s waaaayyy overdue.

Anyway, the me time I am referring to right now, right now at 2:20am, Saturday, 15 September, is the one I’m more familiar with, the more regular one. The one where I wake at ridiculous hours of the morning and simply just lay awake. Feeling tired but yet, wide awake at the same time. Mind working overtime, never anything specific, but touching on absolutely everything. Super fucking annoying.

I can’t even mention one thing I’m currently thinking of at this point, because it’s difficult to sieve through. But just to clarify, they’re are not just bad thoughts or ridiculous ones, not just things-to-do lists running through my head, or wondering whether I’m doing the right thing in almost every aspect of my life, I do have some good thoughts too, creeping inbetween the mess, they are a bit harder to find but they are there. These sleepless nights/early mornings creates my mind to feel like a jumbled ball of craziness, bouncing all over the place, unable to stop. The only way out, is to wait until it mentally drains me so much that there’s nothing left to do, but fall asleep. So it becomes a waiting game, I feel like an expert at it, lol, I just go with it, because I know it has to come to a halt, some time. I’m quite optimistic, if you think about it, lol, seeing the bigger picture, knowing the end result or game, which in this case is….sleep. Quite funny though and I’m grateful to find some sort of humor in the situation, I do believe if I didn’t, I would most certainly be an exhausted, miserable, grumpy ol’ biatch πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ or wait….that does kinda sound like me! πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚ I’m sure my boyfriend would agree 🀫🀭

….

Second week in my new job, done and dusted. Time is really flying but I’m not having fun πŸ˜‚ I’m getting to know more people and feeling more comfortable. After being at my previous company for many years, I have realised that, I have been molded in a certain way, without me realizing it, until now. I’ve been making comparisons as to what and how we did things then to how I’m expecting it to be done now πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ other than that, I’ve kinda started taking on basic work functions, and it does feel good. Brain is being stimulated and my hours are not feeling that dragged out and long anymore. This week has already gone faster than my first week.

Grateful for this job. Grateful to be learning new things. Grateful that certain things seem to be falling into place. Grateful for life and it’s many blessings. Even grateful for these sleepless nights because this is when I do most of my thinking, most of my realisations comes into play, epiphanies occur at these ludicrous hours. Quiet time. Me time. My kinda ‘me-time’.

Working 9 to 5

I made it! πŸ™ŒπŸ½

Made it through my first 40 hour work week!

Thank You Lord! πŸ™πŸ½ Thank You for always carrying me through and being with me every step of the way πŸ™πŸ½ I could not have done this without You β™₯️

The week was tedious, and only because I’m not doing the actual work, as yet. Currently still getting to know what my role entails, so been sitting with my team, asking questions and gaging what is required of me. Familiarising myself with the process and procedures of the business and the job.

Interesting stuff.

Then again…anything new and fresh, is always exciting, so I’ll admit, I’m keen on getting the ball rolling. No way I can sit and do nothing again next week, I’ll go mental. The day just takes way too long to pass πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Lord may I remain constant in my eagerness to learn new things πŸ™πŸ½

Be teachable. Always.

Guess what’s tomorrow??? 😁

……….

S A T U R D A Y ! ! ! ❀

My best day of my week.

Day by Day

I know I’m not constant with my posts and don’t intend to be, as I’ve decided when I started this blog, that I won’t be conforming to what is perhaps redeemed as the necessary requirements of blogging.

So I’ll just post as and when I feel I have something I’d like to share, with whoever might be interested in reading. Thank you to those who do πŸ™πŸ½

Only midweek and this week has been somewhat busy and eventful…not busy as in the me being out there and being in undated with errands to run kind of busy, but in the me being way more busy than usual kind of way….

Firstly, it’s a brand new month, brand new season. Spring has sprung and so has all the pollen and dust πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ Hello season of allergies! πŸ™‹πŸ½β€β™€οΈ Just last week I read a brief article on the severity of allergies we will be experiencing in this part of the world…and lucky me…Cape Town is on high alert for allergy sufferers, and especially asthmatics.

Secondly, I started working…brand new job, after being an entrepreneur for 1 year and 7 months (which is something I’m still currently working on) at Sable International. These 3 days have been fairly good, people seem nice, most of them and the atmosphere within the company is good too. So that’s a bonus!

Then today, Wednesday, midweek, hump day and what we in Cape Town refer to as ladies night and pineapple night, lol, my man and I are celebrating our 6 month courtship. Feels more like 6 years to be honest πŸ™„ the hard work we’ve been putting in to make our already good relationship even better, surely deserves medals, diamond encrusted ones. It hasn’t been easy but it surely has been worth it. We learn every day and try to combat what creates unnecessary unpleasantness, as well as, the devil, who is always just waiting on the sideline ready to attack something/one that’s/who’s in a good space or phase. Like,

don’t you have something better to do with your time devil!? πŸ˜’

That’s the good news,… but then on the flip side we have these brutal and senseless attacks and murders on women and children in our country. It’s extremely disturbing, and as a woman, I can’t help to start feeling fearful for my life. I just don’t want to be out there and I most definitely don’t want to be alone anywhere, not even in my own home, which is supposed to be your place of security, where you feel the safest and are the most protected, but no longer. I had a chat with a friend of mine earlier, who had a date with a long time school friend of his tonight, however because of all the unrest and danger and because of his principles, he cancelled, due to his female friend having to drive home alone after their date. She posted something on social media, to the effect of, not even the decent ones can be trusted and surely he took offense to this. What he did was admirable, hands down. But she can’t be blamed either. Women are going to be extremely cautious when it comes to trusting men, too fearful to go out on dates, too afraid to be alone in the same space with a man or men. This is sad because not all men disregard the lives of innocent women and children.

What’s happening to our people? What’s happening to our world?

I pray that these perpetrators get what they so rightfully deserve. Our country is in mourning. You can actually feel the sadness and tension in the air.

Pray for South Africa. Pray for our women and children. Pray for the World.

Saturday – My Favourite Day β™₯️

Aaahhh Saturdays 😊 surely my best day of the week. I feel there’s no pressure on this day. No pressure to do or not to do. It’s the easiest day of the week for me and I’ll choose it again and again β™₯️

This Saturday our exact plan didn’t pan out as we envisioned. However, we stuck to our guns and went along with what we chose to be our ‘day date’ and I’m so happy we did. It was so easy for us to not proceed with what we had planned, as we were in such a relaxed bubble. The weather didn’t really participate and we were slightly delayed by perhaps a few hours, for our fish and chips picnic along the promenade date. We ended up devouring it, in the car, watching the waves crash against the rocks and having some good laughs and chats. It was a good day and as I said, happy we went along with it. Just a reminder of how suddenly things can change and of how it’s never really our plans. We made the best of this day and now I’m in bed, grateful to God for blessing us with this beautiful, easy day, filled with so much love and care and happiness.

The picture I attached doesn’t do justice to the beautiful city we live in, but felt the need to take a quick snap as we drove back home.

It was a good day to have a good day…

IPDE – Identify, Predict, Decide, Execute

Not feeling happy today. Feeling annoyed. Not anxious. Not frustrated. Not depressed. Not anything other than annoyed. Like…get out of my face and don’t even speak to me annoyed. I’m battling to deal with this persistent annoyance I have, that suddenly appears, unexpectedly. I’m not being mindful to it, I’m just allowing myself to go with it and it to go with me. I’m not resisting it and it takes complete control over me and my actions, words and emotions. This is a problem. It makes me waste so much ‘happy’ time. It creates unnecessary conflict between myself and almost everyone. Especially and almost always the ones closest and dearest to my heart β™₯️ Why is it always easier to lash out at the people you love and who loves you Meriza?! 🀨 Baffles me every time. Why on earth would you want to create unpleasantness between you and those people, Meriza?! πŸ€” Because when you finally do realise that you were shitty, you kinda feel embarrassed and it takes a while to get back to the ‘good’ space you were in with that person/s. So, the one thing I am aware of, is that it’s a complete waste of time (I feel good about knowing this, because it’s a step closer to making necessary changes). Time you could have spent on being happy and feeling good, instead of being an asshole and then still taking more time to repair the damage you caused! πŸ€¦πŸ½β€β™€οΈ Now I need to learn how to put a pause on it, or stop it altogether (dependent on the situation of course 😏) to avoid all the fast-approaching awkwardness which is certain to happen.

We live and we learn… right?

Turn of Events…

Crying on a Sunday night is not what I expected to be doing, after the enjoyable weekend I had with wonderful people who I consider to be, my other family…

But coming home to discover things were not so great whilst I was out having a ball, alas!

I’m a procrastinater of note, and I have some serious moves to make, the thing is I always know what I’m supposed to be doing, but often find it extremely hard to actually do it. Why? Because I’m always considerate of others, always putting everyone else first and neglecting myself and what’s good and right for me. I need to be selfish. We all need to start doing this at some point in our lives, it may sound like a horrible thing to say or do, but I do believe it only brings about goodness and wellbeing to and for your soul.

Remember, You can’t pour from an empty cup…

I’m super emotional at this point. When I have moments like these, which is every so often, but way less than before, I remind myself that tomorrow will be better… it just has to be. I find if I think it, I believe it, and when the morning comes, I achieve it.

It’s crazy how situations can change in an instant, nothing is ever permanent and I’ve learnt and discovered this in a hard way. But I’m constantly learning to deal with it better than I have before by figuring out what works for me as I go along.

Self healing is really important. I’m a work in progress.

I wish you well on your journey of self healing, for whatever it may be that you are or wanting to heal from…always remember that, slow progress is still progress

May you be stronger and more determined for the week ahead β™₯️

Reminiscent and Reflective Saturdays

I woke this morning, with only just a blocked nose…until I literally saw clouds of dust floating in the outside air, due to the new owners of the house next door, commencing with some serious home renovations. And there goes my hope of my allergies clearing up today πŸ˜”But…besides waking to the noise and dust…I too woke to a message from a special friend saying this,

I was thinking now how u always were so postive in the workplaceEven though u had your own personal shitAltyd die sele mens (always the same person)They don’t make them like u anymore

These words made me feel valued. It brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think we realise what we put out there. I don’t think we are fully aware of the impact we have on others, whether it be our words or actions, whether it be good or bad. I was just being myself, I don’t believe in pretense, I’m not a good pretender. Pretense is fake. And I don’t do fake.So waking up to words like these, from a lady who was once just a colleague but who is now a very close friend, made me feel good and so I knew I was set out to have a good day. We haven’t seen each other in about a year and a half, but we will forever remain friends and I know when we do see each other again, we will just continue where we left off. I appreciate her. She loves and accepts me for who I am. These are the friendships I believe everyone needs and should have, the ones that are not demanding and expectant, the ones that flow naturally without no pressure from either party. True and genuine friendships are so hard to come by, I’ve learnt and discovered through my journey thus far, so the few that I do have, I cling to, tightly.

My morning was about thinking back on where I was and how far I’ve come. How much life changes as time passes. How we evolve. But it made me realise how constant I’ve been in my attitude and personality and what I’ve been unknowingly putting out there into this world, and I’m happy with it because it seems to be light and love and life, happiness and positivity. How can I ever go wrong with that?

Quality above quantity. Always.

Allergies

It’s freakin’ obvious that Spring is a few days away! I’ve been lying awake since 2h45 this morning. It is now 7h50. Yes, I’m currently unemployed, and that’s why I can still be laying so lekker in my bed. Whilst you losers are either stuck in traffic or already sitting at your desks, hopefully working.
But wait I went completely off topic, I was telling you that my hayfever has been terrible for a full day now. I know you can relate if you’re an allergy sufferer. I feel like total shyte. Non stop sneezing, blocked nose, water running constantly from my nose, which we all ‘nose’ is snot I’m referring to (lol see what I did there?)

I published one post a few years back. I didn’t know what to blog about in all honesty. Thought I might have required a degree of some sort in order to proceed, perhaps journalism, but I’m actually a fairly good writer if I say so myself and just this morning, after 4, I WhatsApped my boyfriend (at 39 y/o, are we still allowed to use the term boyfriend?)and even I had to reread what I typed out, because it was that damn good. He then complimented me on my writing skills and said I should write a book, or a poem or start a blog…so here I am.

I’m not going to pretend to be a journalist or author/writer, I’m only going to be as raw, as everyone who knows me to be, as I can be.

Be patient. It’s virtuous.

New Beginnings

Here we go…

I’m no journalist, very far from it. My first language is English, so I’m sure that whoever ends up reading this, will understand. Afterall, English is the universal language, or is it?

Moving along…I signed up and created this WordPress account about a year ago and because of this new journey I am embarking on, I thought perhaps it’s time to give it a go.

So…I request some patience as I’ve never done anything like this before. Eek!

Just some insight into my world, my experiences, my aims and the difficulties I encounter on a daily basis. However, I do hope that there will he some highlights, fun and excitement amongst the doom and gloom I will be sharing with whoever is prepared to ‘listen’, well, in this case read.

My aim is to keep it short and simple. So for now, this is it.

Until next time

xo